I forgot to buy a set of inflatable boobs

I made it back and Jesus loves me. How do I know? The billboards, the bumper stickers and a little girl’s shirt all told me so. Other things I learned: America is great and we need to impeach Obama. For what I’m not sure.

My boyfriend and I head to Dollywood. If you’ve ever thought about creating a museum in honor of yourself, you can take a lesson from Dolly Parton. All you need are a lot of photos of yourself, some awards and an enormous amount of sequins. Which now that I’m writing it it sounds a lot like my childhood bedroom. For $59 you can walk around my room and use the bathroom, food will cost extra.

The roller coasters were awesome. My boyfriend and I stumble upon a Birds of Prey show. We sit down to watch. They’re showing a movie of Challenger the Bald Eagle from Tennessee. It’s like an E! True Hollywood Story, complete with embarrassing baby photos. Music is blasting, the kind of music that plays before a football game and then there they are, the bird keepers. Each bird has it’s own entrance song.

The bird keeper welcomes out a falcon. He exclaims,

“She has the best legs!” The song “I’m sexy and I know it” blasts over the loudspeakers.

Then the bird keeper is holding a bald eagle aloft. He quotes from the Bible,

“They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; Isaiah 40:31.”

It is time for another roller coaster.

Yes, the small child behind us makes this seem a little less scary.

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