A Rabbi walks into a bar and we’re still waiting for the punchline

Are you ready for the rest of the joke? A Rabbi walks into a bar and he doesn’t stop talking.

At about 20 minutes in, I exchange a glance with Captain. It says,

‘I’m not sure about this guy.’ He’s non-stop talk and not much of it is relevant. Hearing about the Irish/Greek/Jewish French Canadian wedding he did was interesting on the phone. Hearing about it several more times over the course of a beer, is less helpful.

At 40 minutes, we haven’t been able to talk for longer than it takes to spell our names and our parents’ names. Shouldn’t he ask us something about ourselves besides what Captain’s Hebrew name is? Captain and I exchange another glance.

Is this guy for real? I decide to interrupt,

“We’d like to talk about the actual content of our ceremony.”

He manages to do this for 30 seconds and then is back to telling stories about other weddings, bar mitzvahs and a symbolic bris he did where the baby got to keep the tip of his penis. I’m happy for the baby.

At 60 minutes, Captain and I are reaching our breaking point. I bargain a little just in case. You’re welcome Mom. As soon as the Rabbi leaves, Captain and I breathe a sigh of relief. It has never felt so good to sit in peace. Captain says,

“I’m not sure.”

“All I can think about is how I don’t want this man talking to me at our wedding.”

Captain and I were excited to meet this Rabbi who we were hoping would marry us. We talked to him on the phone last week and my gut feeling was: Wow, this guy doesn’t let you get a word in edgewise.

Instead of listening to my gut. We went forward with meeting him in person. I am doomed to repeat this classic online dating mistake. If you know any available Rabbis/Jewish wedding officiants willing to interpret Judiasm however we want, send them my way.

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