It’s that time of year when I’m assessing all of my life choices.

Our town override vote failed by a significant amount and now our schools are losing SO MANY teachers. When we bought our house, I was not paying attention. If a town leans right, it’s bad news bears.

My 42nd birthday is approaching and I have a bottle of blood pressure medication on my counter that promises to cure my middle-age acne, while also giving me numerous other side effects considering I don’t have high blood pressure.

Captain’s 50th birthday is approaching which really makes me feel very good about 42. Also he’s overdue for his colonoscopy since they moved the marker on him and now you’re supposed to start getting them when you’re 45.

RB and I headed to Target to pick up Captain’s Miralax and all that fun stuff.

I would’ve been going on my own, but the day before, RB came home from school, sat down in the living room and wouldn’t get up. Several hours of sleep later she asked me,

“Can you carry me to the art room?”

“Why?”

“I want to be with BB.”

“Go ahead.”

“I can’t walk.”

“You can’t walk?!”

“My knees hurt.”

“Both knees?”

“Yes.”

“Did you fall and get hurt today?”

“No.”

An hour later we were supposed to be headed to a fun event at her preschool. Captain and I stood before a seated RB. I told her,

“I don’t think we can go to the art show.”

“I want to go!”

“Then I need you to walk.”

“You can carry me.”

I stood her up. She screamed like I was trying to kill her. I put her down. I called the doctor’s office. The nurse said,

“Bring her in.” She also asked,

“Does her throat hurt?”

“RB does your throat hurt?”

“No.”

At 6pm we headed for the doctor. My 7:30pm book club plans were vaporizing before my very eyes. I was envisioning a night at the hospital with a child who could no longer walk.

The doctor came right in. She asked a minimal number of questions, shined her light in RB’s throat, took a swab and said,

“Looks like strep, we’ll know in a minute.”

STREP?! She can’t walk and she said her throat doesn’t hurt. The doctor said,

“Have a look.”

I peered down RB’s throat. Yup. Sure looked like it hurt.

I explained my confusion to the doctor. She said,

“Sometimes kids don’t even know what their throat is.”

Great point.

The rapid test came back fast. Positive!

I have never been happier to get a positive strep test. My imaginary night at the hospital was no more. One stop for antibiotics and off to book club I went!

So that’s why the next day I had RB’s company to collect colonoscopy supplies.

On the drive to Target RB asked,

“Is Dad sick?”

“No not at all.”

“Then why does Dad need medicine?”

“For his colonoscopy. He needs medicine to get all the poop out of his intestines so the doctor can go in his butt and look around.”

“She’s going to fit inside Dad’s butt?!”

“I mean she’s going to look inside Dad’s intestines with a stick.”

“The doctor is using outside things inside Dad?!!”

WOW I’m really butchering this conversation.

“No no no. I’m sorry. The doctor is using a special doctor tool to see inside of Dad and make sure he’s healthy.”

“Oooh. I don’t need medicine to poop.”

“Right!” And I don’t either.

When my doctor offered the oral, blood-pressure medicine he said,

“It’s hard to put topicals all over your back.”

Well it’s great for my shoulder mobility and I’ll happily do that instead of taking my chances with the thirty-seven side effects.

My acne is now under control; I have three more colonoscopy-free years and I don’t know what will happen to our schools. Please send help.