Is bribery a sustainable parenting tactic? I think RB was motivated by embarrassment to poop in the potty, not the carrot of a car bed I dangled out in front of her.
When we returned home from vacation, she slept in her crib for three nights before she remembered,
“I pooped in the potty, I’m supposed to get a car bed!”
“Yes.”
SIGH. Crib, we had a good run.
Who knew when I sent Captain off to fetch a giant, plastic, toddler, car bed I found on Craigslist, that I would then have a subsequent car loving kid who has just about outgrown the car bed before she ever set eyes on it.
I was never concerned enough to end our crib days a minute sooner. And I’ve been googling full-size car beds. They exist.
The bed is a huge success as far as RB is concerned. I’m not a huge fan of two free range kiddos.
RB is on week four of no diapers. Last week she exclaims,
“I pooped in the potty! Do I get another car bed?!!”
“Nope.”
This is why I’m not so sure about bribery. Where do we go from here? Also this is how some people end up with a driveway full of vehicles. Captain.
Last night RB declares from the toilet,
“I’m not going to get a lot of car beds, just one car bed.”
“Right.”
“Could I have a lot of car beds?”
CAPTAIN!!
Two weekends ago BB begged for a sleepover in RB’s room. BB hasn’t slept in her own room since.
Both kids are thrilled with the situation. In between being thrilled, I hear RB’s bloodcurdling scream.
I’m ready to separate them. RB wipes away tears,
“BB is touching my car bed.”
“Do you want her sleeping here next to you?”
“Yes.”
“Then you need to be flexible.” And it IS a used car.
Another parenting tactic I need to let go of is assuming any behavior BB does is predictive of what RB will do.
BB will relax in the bathroom reading and daydreaming for ages. She won’t move until she gets someone to check her. She doesn’t need this. She knows she’s capable, but for whatever reason, she waits however long it takes for someone to come give her the all clear.
RB went to poop and I wandered off. I came back. No one was in the bathroom. The toilet was full of poop and no toilet paper.
It never occurred to me that RB would poop and abscond.
I turn the corner and there’s RB’s bare bum in the living room playing Barbies.
I shout,
“RB you need to wipe!”
She turns. One hand is clutching a wad of toilet paper. Annoyed, she waves it in my face,
“I DID!”
I hold my living room to a very low standard, but free of poop and poopy toilet paper is one that I will continue to aspire to.
To Tremblant and back again. That’s a seven hour car ride one way and when we stopped fifteen minutes in to empty BB’s vomit bucket, the road ahead looked very long.
We made it. It was worth it. I skied. BB skied. RB skied. And Captain snowboarded. We did that for five days straight. As our last morning dawned and my weather app warned me it was -1°F, RB asked,
“What are we doing today?”
“Skiing!”
“Again?!”
I wavered. But not for long. This is why I brought layers: three sets of long underwear to be worn all at once. Captain asked,
“What about their mobility?”
“Mobility? They just need to hold a wedge.”
I never used a ski app before this week. I marveled at my stats. I tell Captain,
“My top speed was 47mph!”
Captain looks incredulous,
“Is that correct?”
“I don’t know, but I’m going with it.”
We ended our last day going much slower as BB led us down her favorite greens. Aside from a hit and run, I didn’t fall all vacation, but my luck ran out.
I spent a fair amount of time pushing BB up a little jump she wanted to do, so when I saw her approaching another one without enough speed I had the bright idea to ski up behind her and give her a push on my way.
Somehow she didn’t move and somehow I managed to ski over her. She went between my legs. Her head caught my crotch and I did a massive face plant on the flat traverse.
It may have been worth it considering BB’s loud cackle, but middle age is taking its toll. It took far too long to figure out how to get myself unface down. I didn’t pull anything falling, but I did pull something getting up.
That’s the last time I go 5mph and try to do anything fancy.
RB seems to have the whole thing figured out. She told me,
“You can get going, but it’s hard to stop.”
I watched her get on the magic carpet all by herself. I exclaimed to Captain,
“Look! She’s so capable!”
She proceeded to notice a pile of snow, swing a ski out to touch it and collapsed. The magic carpet stopped. An instructor walked along next to her for the remainder of the ride.
We did this trip with my dear friend and her family, including two, very cool, big kids. A miracle happened. RB was embarrassed to do her nightly poop in her diaper. Halfway through the vacation she pooped in the potty.
One time. Captain and I weren’t counting any chickens.
Two times. Gotta say things look promising.
Three times. Well this just might do it!
On our last day, after ten hours of travel, we were thirty minutes from home, RB said,
“My tummy hurts.”
“Do you need the potty?”
“Yes.”
We’re so close to home.
“Can you wait until we get home?”
“I need the potty.”
We stop. She settles in to the gas station bathroom. She looks up at me,
“I need a book.”
Fourth poop in the potty. Done deal. Bye bye diapers.
The next night at home, she gets up from the dinner table and declares,
“I need a diaper to poop!”
“OH NO NO. If you can poop in a gas station bathroom, you can poop in the potty ANYWHERE.”
Captain adds,
“Even I don’t like to poop in a gas station bathroom.”
Nor I. Even if I do have a book.
P.S. For anyone going from Canada to the US, you’re not allowed to bring citrus with you, but if you put it in the luggage carrier on the car roof, the border patrol agent will give you a pained, annoyed look and wave you through.
Childless Jessica would be shocked by current Jessica. I was up on some high horse about the type of parenting I would do someday. It was an aspirational list that any childless person can get behind:
no screen time
no sugar
no princesses
no barbies
no bedsharing
no change to my sex life
no change to my wardrobe
no special meals for anyone
These didn’t all fall in defeat the moment BB was born, but I could hear their death knell over BB’s sound machine next to our shared bed.
My sex life and wardrobe were the first to go, but also the first to recover. There’s no way to make my kids untaste a Reese’s.
And as a dear friend noted: once you have cinnamon sugar toast, how can you go back?
The descent into Candyland was delayed, but this morning my kids had a box of chocolates for breakfast, so that’s how that’s going.
No special meals for anyone has turned into cereal for dinner.
No screentime has turned into: You get an iPad, you get an iPad and you get an iPad.
I don’t know who the third iPad is for, but I’m sure someone needs it.
The no Barbies has turned into 70% of Hanukkah, Christmas and birthday presents being Barbies. I like to think there is some redeeming value to there being Barbies of all races, shapes and abilities.
The Barbie wheelchairs are very popular with the mermaid Barbies. When I was surprised to notice this, RB gave an irritated sigh,
“Mo-om, they don’t have legs.”
And then the princess thing. There’s nothing empowering about an old fashion princess fairytale, but I’m on board with the recent releases.
So now we have a houseful of whatever dress-up gear you’re into: crowns, swords, gowns, wings. We have enough costumes for the whole neighborhood.
BB had a friend over the other day and she was thrilled to dress up. She told me she doesn’t have any princess dresses. Without meaning to, I exclaim,
“You don’t have ANY princess dresses?”
“Nope.”
I do not know this specific mom’s reasoning, but I’m sure I’m 100% on board, even if my current choices don’t reflect that.
Part of the problem is that princess dresses are everywhere. They’re even moonlighting as nightgowns.
When the mom arrived to retrieve her daughter, she was greeted by a houseful of royalty.
There was no time to explain. No chance to say,
‘I hear you don’t have any princess dresses; you’d get along well with my former childless self.’
And with that, we’re soon headed to Canada. My kids will be on their iPads eating whatever and I’ll be in the third row of my mid-size SUV cursing childless Jessica for refusing to get a minivan.
My baby is rounding the corner on three-and-a-half. RB identifies as a big kid who sleeps in a crib and poops in a diaper.
She’s quick to tell you diapers and cribs are for babies. But like everyone, she is very willing to make an exception for herself.
She’s holding onto the diapers and I’m holding onto the crib.
Once, a couple months ago, she half-heartedly asked for a bed. She demands a bowl of cereal with more attitude than the bed ask.
I told her,
“When you poop in the potty, you’ll be a big kid ready for a big bed.”
“And I still get the bag of gummy bears?”
Many months ago I promised her a giant bag of gummy bears if she pooped in the potty. I thought for sure that would do it. Nope.
But she didn’t forget about them either.
Sure. A big kid bed and a lifetime of gummies. Whatever it takes kid.
As I wipe up a giant 3-year-old poop butt, I question all my parenting choices. How did I end up with both my kids at 3, wearing underwear all day, and then putting on their own diaper when they need to poop?
I blame Captain.
He asks me,
“What do you remember about pooping in a diaper?”
“I DON’T!”
I remember the week I potty trained. I was two-and-a-half and in Disney World. I never looked back. I have no memory of pooping in a diaper.
With a smile, Captain reminisced about his days in diapers.
He described the leather easy chair in the living room, the coffee table and lamp straight off a pirate ship. He remembered his favorite snack, cheerios and raisins, eaten from a little pumpkin cup. Best of all, he can picture the space between the chair and the pirate table where he liked to stand, eat his snack and poop.
The details folks! The details! I can’t say for sure that my in-laws had pirate furniture, but I can say for sure that if Captain can remember all that, then he was at least 3-years-old, pooping in a diaper.
I blame genetics. My kiddos didn’t stand a chance. Nor did I.
As our romantic, dinnertime poop discussion continued, new details emerged. At some point Captain started pooping in the potty. Praise be. But instead of an adult checking his wiping job, he had a magnifying makeup mirror on the floor and he bent over in front of it.
I assumed he bent over in front of it to check himself, but no, he bent over in front of it to wipe. He now regrets the bits of wet toilet paper he remembers leaving on the floor after that.
Proof that there are many strategies to clean our kids and no one seems to be winning.
So I buy another box of diapers. Bigger and bigger diapers.
Every morning I pick RB up out of her crib, snuggle her close and every part of me wants to say,
‘How’s my baby?’
Instead, after months of being screamed at, I cuddle her up and say,
“How’s my big kid?!”
“I’ve got a wiggly diaper.”
Yes. Yes you do.
At least I’ll never have to clean poop out of one of these!Flying in a diaper, 1983, before safety was a thing.My big kid bed! Vroom vroom
Such a small sentence to encompass SO MUCH EFFORT. Any activity that involves the words: “kids” and “gear,” is bound to be work.
This weekend was our warm-up run… It was our first go of what will be all four of us on the slopes for February vacation.
This weekend was our chance to iron out the kinks. Or at least identify the kinks and adjust my expectations. Some things are resistant to ironing.
We lucked out and got to stay with amazing friends. Our last ski trip was February 2020, weeks before the world shut down. BB was 3.5 years old and RB was 4 months old.
So the last time BB and I skied was 3 years ago. The last time Captain telemarked was 9 years ago. The last time he snowboarded was so long ago he never came up with a timeline, maybe 15 years ago.
Captain decided he’d snowboard. Telemarking tore his ACL and he does NOT want to go through that again. NOR DO I. There may be nothing more mind numbing than hearing two people compare ACL surgery notes.
It was Captain’s favorite conversation starter for awhile, and there are a surprising number of people out there with ACL stories. I’m sure it’s only getting worse as we descend deep into middle-age.
For February vacation, I reserved ski school for both kids, but this past weekend the ski school started at age four. RB’s options were childcare, private lessons or somehow convincing her she’s four, but still poops in a diaper.
RB has something of a Napoleon complex. After every meal, she stands up and checks to see if she’s grown. Her goal is to be big enough to go in BB’s art room.
RB finished her breakfast the other day and hopped out of her seat. She looked up to see where she stood in relation to the kitchen counter. Her eyes welled up and she hung her head in a huge mope,
“I’m still little!”
I knew deep in my soul that I would break her if she went into daycare while BB skied. I also knew deep in my soul that I would break if I tried to teach her myself. Private lesson booked for Saturday.
As it was, I didn’t book a private lesson for her on Sunday, just daycare and she was MAD. As we left the condo she kept yelling at us,
“I need my ski boots! I need my helmet! I need my mittens!”
“No. You’re not going skiing.”
Cue full-on guttural wail.
She finally calmed down to the tune of me telling her over and over again,
“You’ll be skiing all week in Canada.”
Saturday apres-ski, the adults slipped into the hot tub, while the kids watched a movie. I had warned BB ahead of time about this situation, but was silly enough to think RB wouldn’t notice. After a glorious soak, I floated back into the condo. RB’s head swiveled around,
“You went in the hot pool?”
“Yes.”
“I want to go in the hot pool!”
“Adults only.”
“I WANT TO GO IN THE HOT POOL!!!”
“In Canada.”
Canada has become my safe word.
Captain and I were reunited on the mountain. Skiing is how we met and to be together again made every tantrum more than worth it. Also stopping midday and realizing, that between ski school and daycare, we had bought ourselves a lunch date, was miraculous.
When we picked BB up from ski school Saturday she melted down. She thought she was going to ski with us. We promised to pick her up early Sunday and make it happen.
Sunday her ski instructor told me,
“She’s made a lot of progress and is turning well.”
Great news! We head for the lift. I can’t believe I’m on a lift with my kiddo! She tells us she wants to lead.
She heads straight off the lift and straight down the mountain. Power pizza all the way.
On the next run, I suggest,
“Lets do some turns.”
BB starts to sob,
“I don’t want to turn!”
And I wanted this to be fun. I back off my grand idea of turning and follow behind BB’s wedge as she plows the snow straight to the bottom.
We pick up RB from childcare. She yells,
“Is it Canada time?!!”
You don’t need me to tell you how this ended.
Circa 1997. They say Tremblant is cold, so I may need to wear this onesie again. Never mind that it looks like onesies are back in fashion? RB loves hersHow we got into this mess.
Happy New Year!!! I was waiting to stop coughing and then I’d write a blog post, but I may never stop coughing.
I know I’m in the good company of many, many other sick people. There were over a hundred kids absent from BB’s school two weeks ago, so we didn’t stand a chance.
Or maybe we did, but our chances weren’t good and we did NOT luck out.
We’re three weeks out from whatever mucus-laden virus this is. BB went down first and recovered quickly. Although she’s still coughing.
RB went next. Then me. Then our house guest.
Our house guest had a simple choice: Hanukkah with the kids and a lot of snot, or a kid and mucus-free Hanukkah. She picked snot.
RB has wiped her nose so aggressively, for so long, that her upper lip is bleeding and there are smears of blood appearing everywhere she likes to wipe her nose: clothes, lovies, furniture, the wall.
On the 23rd, at RB’s school’s Hanukkah party, someone told me,
“Just a warning, Strep is going around.”
I said a small prayer. And if proximity has anything to do with that working, I WAS in the synagogue. I didn’t say much else considering whatever virus we had, had caused me to lose my voice.
Christmas eve, my throat started to feel worse. The last night of Hanukkah/Christmas day, my throat felt even worse, but going to the doctor was low on my to-do list.
The day after Christmas, I couldn’t get there fast enough. Strep. The test came back positive, but the doctor was so confident just by looking at the state of my throat that I walked out of there with a prescription and ran straight into a fellow school family at CVS. Instead of hello, I offer,
“Strep?”
“How’d you know?!? Is it that obvious?”
“No, it’s going around school. RB says hi!”
I say another small prayer: ‘Please don’t let my children get this.’ I can’t get RB to take Tylenol. A 10-day course of antibiotics would be a curse.
As four of us round the corner on week three of being ill, Captain has never been healthier. This is wonderful. No kiddo bedtimes for me, but also I couldn’t be more envious.
For years I have been happy to lord over him my strong immune system. It seems he falls prey to whatever virus might be wafting by.
I spent a month in India eating whatever street food I stumbled upon and enjoyed myself with a very manageable amount of diarrhea.
I spent four years behind the bar, eating strangers’ leftovers, with no more than a few sniffles.
I spent the last ten years with Captain, feeling bad for his stuffed up nose, but not so bad that I didn’t enjoy every ounce of my congestion free life.
I am now in week three of the most mucus I’ve ever produced in my life. There feels like there’s some lesson to be learned here.
Maybe it’s to avoid small children. I’ll let you know how that goes.
Ariel may be creepy, but you can count on her immune system.Mom life. Struggling to talk/breath/exist, but both kiddos thought they might not make it if I didn’t hold them at the same time. Somehow managed to keep the strep for myself. I think. A Hanukkah miracle?
Hanukkah Christmas is upon us. Or me. I’m under two Hanukkah blankets, in my Christmas jammies, drinking coffee from a Hanukkah mug, by the Christmas tree, with Hanukkah gnomes over my right shoulder, a menorah over my left and that elf that I love to hate staring at me from across the room.
It was a glorious week home alone. Captain asked me,
“Did you put music on and dance around?”
“Did you install cameras?” Because I did. And I was. R&B Christmas played while I finished my Hanukkah shopping.
I’ve reached a precipice. My 30-year-old strategy for shopping for Hanukkah tchotchkes is end of life.
Growing up, Hanukkah themed items were hard/impossible to come by. If one was lucky enough to find anything, snatch it up.
I’ve been snatching it up and snatching it up and snatching it up. This year I bought two more cartons to store it all in.
No one would ever walk into Home Goods and think,
‘I’m going to buy ALL the Christmas things.’
That would require buying the whole store.
Home Goods has a small table of Hanukkah items. And it’s deceiving, because it includes any number of random blue items that don’t have anything Jewish about them.
It’s easy to just keep buying ALL the Hanukkah things. BUT it’s finally starting to add up. Note previous addition of storage cartons. It’s time to be selective.
The problem with Home Goods is that they sometimes have the most random Hanukkah items and if you don’t snatch them up, you may never see them again.
Two years ago, I left Home Goods without buying my precious Hanukkah gnomes, only to rush back an hour later and claim them. Gnome post, 2020.
Now they are a beloved part of our family for five weeks out of the year. Harry, Gimel and Snow.
This week, I stood at the Home Goods Hanukkah table, surrounded by Christmas gnomes, without a Hanukkah one in sight. I dismissed the numerous Hanukkah hand towels, placemats, and random blue balls. My eyes caught on a pair of dreidels. I picked them up. Salt and pepper shakers! Into my cart they went,
The middle-aged cashier picked them up and remarked,
“Oooh salt and pepper shakers. I thought they were dreidels.”
Dreidel salt and pepper shakers, I’m tempted to add. She continued,
“There’s some song about dreidels… I learned it in school.”
“Oh yeah?”
“I can’t remember it.”
Here I’ve been, living my life, thinking it’s the one Hanukkah song everyone knows.
That makes it sound like a speedy, whirlwind of a time. It may have been a whirlwind of bodily fluids, but it was more of a meandering pace.
Over a week ago, RB got sick in the car. It had been a long ride: thirty minutes to the trampoline park in Plymouth.
I thought, ‘maybe car sick?’ Although she’s never been carsick in her life.
We leave BB to jump her heart out and I drive thirty minutes straight back home. I put RB in the tub and down for a nap. An hour later she throws up in the crib, wipes her face with her lovey, rolls over and goes back to sleep.
NEXT LEVEL GROSS. But considering I was already going to have to wash everything, why rush in there if she wasn’t asking for me?
An hour later she’s awake and I’ve got her back in the tub. She’s dry heaving in the tub. I get her in front of the TV with towels covering every surface around her.
She refuses any sort of vomit receptacle and will only let it come out wherever it may.
By bedtime she’s done throwing up and sleeps straight through the night. The next day she is her happy, energetic self. Everyone else in the family feels fine.
Seems like it might be a fluke. The next day RB is worse again. Her dinner from the night before returns. She spends the rest of the day in front of the TV and never throws up again.
That night Captain and I eat a hearty dinner. A couple hours later it is clear that that was a mistake. We spend the night separately. Each of us with our own toilet.
Twenty-four hours later we’re on the mend. Forty-eight hours later we’re at a party drinking beers, eating tacos and realizing maybe we’re not as well as we had hoped.
We return home and I ask BB, as I’ve been asking for a week,
“How are you feeling?”
“Good!”
Two hours later, not so good. BB spent the rest of the weekend cradling a trash can. Monday morning she felt all better. I kept her home from school just in case. Tuesday morning I sent her on her way.
Hours later the nurse calls. BB was sick at school. I am beyond sorry about that, to her and to anyone nearby.
Wednesday, yesterday, she spent the day a free woman. No school, no vomit and no mom.
There are real perks to Captain working from home.
Today is the first day everything seems to be back to normal. RB declares,
There appears to be a max number of words I’m able to write a week. My current writing course requires 1,000-1,500 words, 3-5 pages double spaced, per week.
My blog posts average 500-600 words every two weeks ish. To say I’m struggling to do both, for a total of 2,000 words per week, more than my total previous word count for the entire month, is generous.
I’m not struggling to do it. I’m not getting it done. I would love to get it done. Just not sure which other thing to not get done.
I already stopped keeping up with the laundry and I was already doing the bare minimum food wise, so there’s no time to be saved there, unless we just live on Halloween candy for a couple weeks. That should get rid of it.
This past weekend I could’ve been writing, but I was following a shirtless Captain around.
We went to our first adult-only, Halloween party since we had kids. That’s six years of dressing up in family-friendly outfits.
So maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised that the minute we got the invite this past summer, Captain went the no clothes route.
He had his heart set on being a hairband rocker. We were going for generic 80’s rockstars. We got mistaken for Tommy and Pamela. I did NOT stuff my dress. The only way I could’ve had a smaller chest was if I had no chest, but the size of my hair made up for it.
What I didn’t realize through all the months of costume planning our trophy-winning ensemble, was that the party was outside.
That’s right. I have a trophy in my kitchen. It has made me happier than I ever thought a jack-o-lantern trophy could.
We drove the half mile to the party. It was 50 degrees and dropping and Captain was determined to make a topless entry.
He didn’t shave his arms and apply temporary tattoos for nothing.
As we walk up the driveway, music and party sounds are unmistakable.
Captain turns to me,
“Is this party outside?!?”
“Nooooo. Couldn’t be.”
It could. It was. Captain stayed committed, stayed by the fire and pounded beers.
I attribute our trophy to his cold-blooded rockstar status.
We showed up with a case of Budweiser because I was committed to drinking in character, even if the taste of that first beer was tough.
Nobody believed we were really drinking Bud. Multiple times I was accused of pouring something else in the can. Forced to choose, I’d much rather drink a Bud than a hard seltzer.
A minion pointed out that if we really wanted to be in character we would’ve finished the Bud and switched to whiskey ages ago. But I’m not sure that applies to wannabe rockstars in their forties.
We went to bed as rockstars and woke up as hung-over parents home alone. I can’t say enough good things about being home alone after a party.
Two days later, on Halloween morning, 3-year-old RB, who’s been planning her mermaid costume as long as we’ve been planning our hairband duo, decided a crown was not going to suffice. She NEEDED mermaid hair.
And if that “NEEDED” didn’t sound like a throw-down tantrum on the kitchen floor, it was. I showed her my hairband wig. She looked at me like I’d lost my mind and shouted,
“It needs green and pink and rainbow colors!!”
She went down for her nap screaming about mermaid hair, but she slept and I created a masterpiece. I delivered the rockstar turned rainbow, mermaid hair to her and she sighed,
“It’s so beautiful!”
If there’s a trophy for parenting through a crisis, I’d like to be considered.
BB’s school photo came home in an envelope inscribed with: “Every school picture tells a story.“
I’m not taking artistic license. The “tells a story” part was highlighted.
That sounds like a diplomatic disclaimer to me. I.e. if your kid’s photo came out odd, it’s the memory that counts.
Then I saw this post on one of our town’s social media pages:
“… I am jealous of my friends from the surrounding towns. Their kids photos seem to be taken with more care. Their kids are making good w expressions. They have great backgrounds and it appears they have slight fan moving hair. I’m not sure why our expensive town has such low expectations and chooses a vendor with limited output. Every year they seem to get worse.”
I watched baffled as everyone seemed to get on board.
Great backgrounds? You want lasers? I’ve got 1989 and 1990 for you. You want a photo with a floating head? See 1987. Hand on cheek? 1994.
Lasers 2 years in a row for the win!Could’ve used a slight fan here or something, anything.Shave the back of my head I said.Hello curly hair.Same shirt 2 years in a row. Why mess with a good thing?Pretty sure there’s a pair of penny loafers to match this sweaterFinishing strong.
School photos aren’t getting worse every year. They’ve always been terrible. The vendor knows this or they wouldn’t be pushing the “story” side of the photo.
If you’re really serious about getting good photos, you go independent. Then you can have gems like these:
Parasol optional.
Maybe I should get off my soap box, because BB’s photo came out ok. But rainbow cheetah print isn’t always going to be in fashion. If it even is now? She had her heart set on this outfit, high pony included.
I agreed precisely because it’s NOT going to age well and someday when she does a blog post with a collage of her school photos, this will be a winner. Although she really could have used a fan to get that one piece of hair back.
My eye situation became untenable. I went to the dermatologist. I don’t take going to the doctor lightly; we have a high deductible plan.
The problem started in July. The skin around my eyes was super itchy, red and puffy. It was right before my regularly scheduled physical.
No more summer physicals for me. It’s impossible to get good blood work when I’ve switched to a temporary diet of cheese burgers, beer and s’mores.
My doctor examined my eyes. She recommended eczema cream and vaseline.
I spent the summer looking like a shiny clown having an allergic reaction, my face smeared in white mineral sunscreen and vaseline.
I had high hopes for September, but alas salads, blueberries, and no facial products did not seem to change a thing. The redness and itchiness made me dream of pandemic isolation.
Friday I call the dermatologist. I’m going to be very angry if I pay $300 for a doctor to recommend vaseline.
“We have an appointment for this Tuesday.”
“Hmmm…”
“It’s that or we’re looking at December.”
“I’ll take Tuesday!”
The doctor looks at my eyes,
“Contact dermatitis.”
Yes. My months of google research has led me to this diagnosis as well.
“Fifty precent of the time we’ll never figure out what the allergy is to.”
“I didn’t start using anything new.”
“You don’t have to. You can suddenly develop a sensitivity. It could even be to something in the air.”
“Huh.”
“Never scratch it. You’ll make it worse. Really never scratch it.”
I spent my summer scratching it.
I’m watching my $300 float out the window.
“I’m going to give you this non-steroid prescription but insurance companies don’t like it because it’s too expensive. If the pharmacy tries to tell you it’s $400, don’t buy it. I can prescribe you hydrocortisone.”
I head to CVS. They tell me,
“You know this is $200? You insurance requires pre-approval.”
I try the hydrocortisone while I wait to hear from my insurance. My skin gets worse. I’m ready to pay $200.
My insurance denies me. I tell my doctor I’ll pay out of pocket. They email me a coupon making the prescription $80.
What is going on? Our insurance/medical system is a racket.
BEST $80 I’ve spent. My eyes are almost all better.
The doctor tells me,
“Lukewarm showers. Nothing on your face. No soap. Limit contacts. No makeup unless you have an important meeting.”
Otherwise known as going out with my friends?
I relay the new rules to Captain.
“I’m not supposed to put anything on my face.”
“No blankety?”
“What?”
“Does that mean no blankety?”
“WHAT?!?”
Captain waivers,
“Blankety? Isn’t that what you call your security blanket?”
“The doctor did not say anything about my security blanket.”
Why would he? He said “nothing on my face” which encompasses all possibilities.
I remind Captain,
“I don’t rub Blankety on my eyes.”
As if the lower half of my face is so far away.
Captain is NOT getting rid of Blankety that easily.
First thing in the morning is my favorite time of day.
I pad out to the kitchen. I get first dibs on the huge, fresh, coffee pot. As I should, considering past Jessica was kind enough to make it for future Jessica.
The only thing I like almost as much as drinking coffee, is writing about drinking coffee or reading about someone else making and drinking coffee. Maybe this is the novel I was born to write: COFFEE.
I take several gulps and top it up before I settle in to my snuggy corner on the couch. If you’re wondering what this might look like, BB recreated it:
I feel very seen.
I’m warmed by the thought of my dear family: Captain, BB and RB, all still peacefully asleep or imprisoned in a crib. Their existence all the sweeter because of their absence.
No family member should be seen before 7am. If so, something has gone very wrong and it is unclear who it will end worse for.
In an ideal world, I use this time to write. Otherwise I use this time to drink my coffee. Stare out the window. Check the weather. Email. Text. Browse the news. Review the calendar. Refill my coffee. Will RB to go back to sleep.
I survey my work. The home reorg is well underway. Every day that both kids are at school I’ve been on a tear: donating, storing, returning, consolidating.
RB undoes some of my work. I can count on her to move things back to their original spot, but for the most part I’m winning.
BB has fourteen UNOPENED presents from her birthday almost three months ago. They are in plain sight, unwrapped, but unplayed with.
If they’re still brand-new in December they’re at risk for getting wrapped up again.
I may or may not get around steaming off the wallpaper in BB’s art room, formerly known as the dining room.
When the previous owners’ realtor recommended they remove the dining-room wallpaper, they balked and said they had removed enough already.
I should be thankful the whole house didn’t look like the dining room. A more spiffed up house might’ve invited better offers than ours and then who knows where I’d be now.
I’d be in a home that was featured on the Hoarders reality show if Captain had had his way. Although that house DID come with a school bus in the yard.
So here I am. The giant well-loved Little Tikes slide from 1982 is no longer in my living room. It is waiting in our garage to return to Worcester.
Captain is on board with my clearing out and oblivious to it.
I have a giant, stuffed panda from my childhood. It lived in Worcester until we moved here. All of a sudden we had room for her. She drove down in Captain’s car:
She lived in BB’s room until two weeks ago. I ask BB,
“Do you want the panda in your room?”
“I need her because I stand on her head to reach my books.”
“What if you had a stool there instead?”
“That’s good!”
I moved the panda to the rocking chair in my bedroom. Both waiting for their return to Worcester.
After several days of sleeping in the same room as the panda, I review with Captain everything I’ve accumulated. I mention the giant stuffie. He asks,
“Where is it?”
This is what I mean by oblivious. The panda has been watching us sleep. Captain has been putting on his underwear right in front of it and it registered zero.
I point to the rocking chair. He exclaims,
“You can’t send Pandy back!”
PANDY?!?
“Pandy and I drove here together.”
MY giant stuffed panda, who I’ve had for 30 years and feel ready to part with, spent one quality car ride with Captain and now they’re best buds.
She never even had a name before.
The question is does Pandy also need her rocking chair? Send help.
What the heck is up with removable bathing suit padding?!? I have no idea if I stand with the majority on this or not, but I can’t abide it.
I always want padding. I never want to remove it. I don’t want my nipples poking through. Maybe this is a middle-age issue.
For years I refused to buy any suits with removable padding. Fixed padding made for a successful summer.
I’m down to my final week at the beach. I have lived in my bathing suit for two months and this year I succumbed to style over function. Both of my 2022 bikinis have removable padding. And boy is it removable.
It mushes, it bends, it inverts, it ALWAYS comes out in the wash. I ALWAYS spend a lifetime figuring out which side is which and reinserting. Then removing and reinserting on the other side. Then vowing to never wash my bathing suit again.
If I spend five minutes juggling nipple pads, several times a week, then that adds up to two hours of summer WASTED.
TWO HOURS. So many other things I’d rather do: read, drink, chat, swim, reapply sunscreen, reapply sunscreen on my kids.
Never mind. Reapplying sunscreen on my kids may be worse than reinserting bathing-suit padding.
It would be fine if they didn’t act like I’m KILLING them every time.
When do they successfully apply their own lotion? And while we’re talking self-care: when do they cut their own nails? Or even just go to the bathroom without an attendant?
After going potty, RB came wandering through the house asking me to rip her off a piece of toilet paper. There was a full roll of paper within arms reach, but she decided she’d come look for me to get it for her.
At which point the purpose of the toilet paper is called into question. Do you really need to wipe if you’ve air dried or dripped off through the house?
I’d rather stand in as toilet-paper valet than reinsert bathing-suit padding.
Obviously I like the finished product or I wouldn’t have kept the bathing suits and I wouldn’t have worn them all summer. Tell me if I’m missing something, besides a thin, asymmetrical, padded triangle.
Back to a time when I didn’t have bathing-suit padding, but I did have a sunscreen attendant
I want to write more than a biweekly blog post. I’ve thought or said something similar since I graduated college.
Putting my desire down in writing may be helpful. Or it may not. If I can procrastinate for 20 years, anything is possible.
Yes I have valid demands on my time. Refer to children mentioned in previous posts.
Somehow I find enough time to do post-grad level research on how to treat whatever the heck allergic reaction is happening around my eyes.
There’s time to search and give up on what jeans I want to be wearing. There’s always time for a news doom scroll. And if in doubt, I just refresh social media, the weather, my photos, my calendar, my email, my period app.
Sounds like a phone issue. I’ve tried disconnecting from my phone. I’ve hidden it away in a kitchen cabinet. Which was more helpful than I thought it would be, considering I knew where it was.
It’s also an internet issue, because I LOVE to write on my computer, but it’s very easy to switch from google docs to TripAdvisor.
So no phone and no internet, then no excuses? Nope. Cause then I resort to the very last thing in the world I want to do: cleaning.
It starts to sound like I don’t want to write if I’d rather scour toilets. Writing is harder than scrubbing, scrolling or basic minding of RB so she stays alive.
I’ll be handing that over soon. Partially. My baby is starting school this fall! Three days a week. My excuses keep dwindling.
Three days a week will go quick. I could write or I could go grocery shopping BY MYSELF. I already have a feeling which one it’ll be.
I’m going to sign up for some generative writing classes. It may be helpful to be held accountable. By them and maybe you.
I could write more about this or I could go to the beach…
How writing was going 13 years ago.Training in things to do when not writing
Some foods speak to me. In the summer it’s s’mores. It may be because I was deprived for the first ten years of my life. I was told it was longer than that. Either way, we found each other and it’s been 30 ish years of true love.
As a kid, our Cape neighbors invited me over for dinner. Or I invited myself, but somehow I was there. They asked me if I wanted s’mores. I’d never even HEARD of s’mores.
It was a split second decision. Do I claim I know what it’s all about or admit the truth? I eyeball the accoutrement. This doesn’t look like a fake it til you make it situation. I relent,
“I’ve never had them.”
The kids swarm around me,
“YOU’VE NEVER HAD S’MORES?!?!?!?!?”
“No?”
“You’re going to LOVE them!”
I’m not even sure if I’d ever roasted marshmallows before. Maybe I had and on their own they were unremarkable.
I don’t remember the exact ratio of marshmallows to chocolate to graham cracker that I had, but it was FANTASTIC!
I rushed home to inform my family of the food group they’d been missing.
“They’re called s’mores!!!”
“Never liked them.”
“WHAT?!”
I overcame my family’s failing and have eaten them ever since.
I’ll make them over a fire, the grill, the stovetop, a hand-held lighter and in a desperate pinch I’ve tried the microwave, which is by far the poorest option.
Imagine my joy when a few book clubs ago the host put out a spread including s’mores. My least favorite part of the process is fishing all the ingredients out of the cupboard. She’d done the dirty work for us.
I settled in for some roasting. All of sudden everyone is screaming and yelling at me,
“They’re burning! Your marshmallows are burning!”
I’m confused. Of course they’re burning. That’s how it’s done.
Everyone is appalled. They’re appalled I’m obliterating my marshmallows and I’m appalled this is a thing. I had no idea I was in the minority of s’mores makers.
Then I was at a party and the adults handed out s’mores to the kids. How does this end well?
BB is a lot of different things, but careful and clean are not two of them. She and s’mores will end in a house fire or with marshmallow in her hair.
I step back. I’m the last person who should come between her and this experience.
They hand her one marshmallow and a couple squares of chocolate. It dawns on me that my ratios are not the only way to do it either.
I prefer 6 squares of Hershey’s milk chocolate. I tried dark chocolate once. It’s a no go. And I like 3 marshmallows. It sounds like a lot and it IS messy, but extra delicious.
If I’m going to go to the trouble of digging all that stuff out of the pantry, might as well make the most of it.
BB had success and loves them too. She did not want to burn her marshmallows. I’ll give her the freedom to live with that for now. It’s probably safer.
And this answers the life question I’ve been pondering:
“Do I have enough to say about s’mores to fill a whole blog post?”
Burning s’mores? No problem. I’m professionally trained to fight fires. For real.
I’m officially 40! My Cape Cod and Alaska celebrations are in the rearview and middle age is stretching out ahead of me.
Wikipedia defines middle age as 45 – 65, so maybe I can delude myself for another few years.
All of a sudden I’m thinking about menopause, but wikipedia also mentions that I will now be beginning my cognitive decline, so maybe I’ll forget about it.
I’ve always had irritable mood swings with my period. I’m happy to warn Captain about them ahead of time, but beware the person who asks about it mid-PMS.
As much as my irritableness is unjustified, it is very hard to come to terms with that in the moment. That is what alarms me about menopause. How much of an emotional roller coaster will I be on and how long will it be until I feel like myself?
I understand that I might have another eight years before I need to worry about this, but it makes me even more nervous that no one is talking about it.
I feel like I was blindsided when I had my first baby and I don’t intend to be blindsided again if I can help it.
I’ve taken to crowdsourcing the topic at the beach. I’ve heard some interesting takes on it, including some people with no irritableness. Must be nice.
I jut my finger into Captain,
“What’s coming for him?”
Several beach buddies pipe up:
“Nothing.”
“A belly.”
Nothing or maybe nothing with a belly. Grrrumph.
The talk turns to how popular botox has become. If I had some extra money to throw around, the first thing I’d do is get some hair lasered. Maybe that’s next year’s birthday present.
As I contemplate my inevitable decline, I wake up with my right eye swollen shut. A stye one day before my birthday. One day before I’m trying to look forty and fabulous at a fancy dinner. I’m beside myself.
Every spare moment I had was spent hanging over the sink with a warm washcloth pressed against my eyeball. And every spare thought willing it to go away.
Sunglasses and a tiara did wonders to disguise it at the beach.
By dinner time it was much better and makeup took care of the rest. I’ve never been happier to return to my status quo.
Bring it on middle age. I’ll take what I’ve got, minus the mood swings, stye and chin hair.
We’re home! We traveled around Alaska for 2 weeks, changing towns every couple days. We vacationed by plane, train, bus, boat, bike, zipline, raft, tram, hike, helicopter, dog sled, truck, van and some of us in a backpack carrier.
It was a dream come true. In part thanks to RB’s brand-new iPad. I understand people traveled with children before there were personal devices, but thanks to the iPad, I never felt compelled to dose her with my stash of drowsy drugs.
It all felt a little miraculous. RB is a notorious screamer, clinger, avoider of dogs. One of my biggest pre-trip fears was that she would ruin our dog-sled ride. I bought all the dog-sled books. I thought about buying the helicopter books too, but she likes her vehicles.
There were smiles on the helicopter. No desire to pet the dogs, but no complaining. Then she sat on the very front of the dog sled, snow slamming into her face and not a peep.
I swear she wasn’t drugged.
Also BB and I were on a different dog sled than her, so either way we were guaranteed a good time.
I planned a bunch of “summer activities.” Hikes that in the summer would not require snow gear. May is considered the shoulder season for summer tourism in Alaska. I knew that, but didn’t understand that that meant a week before we arrived in Denali National Park they still had 7 feet of snow.
Now if you say the word “hike,” RB responds,
“Snow?!”
It didn’t stop us, just slowed Captain down. That and 33 pounds of toddler on his back.
The rafting trip was touted as a ride gentle enough for babies and 100 year olds. It was. There was very little white water and when there was white water, RB shouted,
“Again! Again!” Then both kids went back to general complaining. BB wanted to stand like RB, refusing to admit that her center of gravity was way higher and that falling overboard into the 40 degree water was a surefire way to ruin my trip.
Next time we need class III rapids or an iPad on the raft.
After the iPad, my second most favorite trip purchase was Cosco’s Scenera NEXT 7 pound, $60 carseat. I’m not being paid anything for this post and I paid full price for the car seat. Although if anyone is tempted to pay me, I’d be happy to dedicate a whole post to the Scenera.
It fits on top of a rolling carry-on suitcase. At first we tied it down with a bungee cord, but it actually just stays there with nothing.
You might be thinking, ‘Jess, did you really need a carseat?’
Aside from one week with a rental truck, we didn’t really need one. BUT I cannot say enough good things about having a 5-point harness.
BB is the type of kid who at 18 months wouldn’t get out of her toddler bed until an adult came in the room and told her she could.
RB is the type of kid who will be in a crib until further notice. The 5-point harness was made for her.
We used the car seat EVERYWHERE. She slept in it and I carried her in it into restaurants, hotels, national parks. It probably made her less safe on the train, but it made me more sane, so it’s a delicate balance.
It contained her, but it made her feet reach the airplane seat in front of her during our red-eye flight home. Yes I booked a red-eye. No I’m not totally insane. We saved a lot of money on those tickets. Hopefully enough money to book another red-eye someday.
At 1:00am, RB was happy, awake, watching her iPad and operating the in-seat airplane entertainment screen with her bare feet. Much to the detriment of the man in front of her.
So as far as I can tell, that’s the only downside of a carseat on a plane.
As we slogged through airport security, the suitcase with the girls’ stuff was flagged. TSA demands,
“Is there a machine in here?”
“A what?!”
“A machine!”
“Oh. There’s a baby music player.”
“All machines need to come out. We told you that.”
Maybe there needs to be some fine print about what qualifies as a machine.
Going back through security to return home, the “machine” did not come out and wasn’t flagged for extra screening. Although our to-go salad was. Maybe there was a questionable amount of salad dressing.
Last but not least I need to give a huge shout-out to vanilla ice cream.
iPad, carseat and vanilla ice cream. They saw us through. BB managed a somewhat varied diet of everything you can imagine on a kid’s menu. RB existed on ice cream, some fries, some chips, some crackers, some granola bars, some cookies, a fair amount of juice, but mainly vanilla ice cream.
And we never saw nighttime. The sun set around midnight and rose around 3am. Our rooms were dark enough and we were tired enough it didn’t stop us from sleeping, but any sense of what time it was was lost.
That feeling that it might be dinner time or bedtime didn’t hit us until 9pm. Then it was way too late to care about anything besides getting everyone in bed or their crib. The travel crib is the fourth MVP of the trip.
Last night BB asked me,
“Why didn’t we floss in Alaska?”
“We’re lucky we brushed our teeth.”
At 10pm, on the evening of our return, I sat in Seattle’s airport playroom, entrenched in the smell of old feet. I studied a sign instructing children to remove their shoes. BIG MISTAKE.
On our way TO Alaska we spent 3 hours in Minneapolis’ airport playground. It’s a winner. It’s well-ventilated, has big play structures and everyone is encouraged to keep their shoes on.
As my children ran around like lunatics, crashing into several other Boston bound lunatics, I overheard the parents discussing what drugs to give them on the plane. Foot smell aside, contentment washed over me. What a fabulous trip it was and great to be headed home with like-minded people.
Both kids in the crib for the win.5-point harnessThis is what happens when you don’t have a 5-point harness.
My moment of truth is almost here. We leave for Alaska in 4 days and I’ve been trying to come to peace with the packing for months now.
I traveled around the world carry-on only. I’m very happy to wear the same shirt everyday until the weather changes or it wears out. Yes I washed it. Things can dry overnight, or when it was hot enough, things dried right on my body.
Turns out when I returned home a couple years later, I didn’t smell great, but that was news to me.
Now we’re headed to Alaska and in addition to our carry-on allotment we have a giant checked bag and a carseat.
I’ve been whittling away at our packing. BB was desperate to take a skort. I nixed that. That’s two items of clothing functioning as one and it might not even be warm enough to wear it.
Then there are the non-negotiable items: the giant, crib-music player that RB turns on multiple times a night. It’s a necessity. Anything related to sleep takes top priority. But it gives me the heebie jeebies. I’m devoting suitcase space to a 3d lullaby machine, that could’ve been used for a gazillion skorts or just less stuff.
BB has 2 security bunnies and her large fleece security blanket. Who gets attached to a large fleece blanket? Another non-travel friendly, sleep necessity.
We’re moving towns every few nights, so the less we have, the easier it’ll be. In theory.
Our biggest item is the travel crib. I’ve gone in circles about this. A few of the places I really want to stay don’t provide cribs. So there were several options: stay somewhere else, RB sleeps in a bed or on the floor or take a crib.
If we’re doing this, I’m staying at my top places. I contemplate a free-range RB and a sun setting at 11pm. It sounds disastrous.
They sell black-out shades that cover an entire pack ‘n play, like you’d cover a bird in a cage. GOODNIGHT!
I’m sold. The travel crib fits in our biggest roller, with room for snacks.
I got the last room at one of my top picks, a place that hangs out over Seward Harbour. The woman who runs the place and I are on a texting basis. That’s how small some of these places are I guess?
She says,
“I only have a second floor room, but I don’t like to put kids up there.”
“Why not?”
“I was sitting in my office and I saw feet dangling. A kid was hanging off of the balcony and when I went up there, the parents kind of just shrugged and said they knew.”
I assure her my children will not be hanging off of the balcony. THIS IS WHY I NEED A CRIB.
Years ago I met families backpacking with their kids and that’s always been my dream. Someday I thought, maybe I’d have a family I could do that with.
Now I have my family and we’re taking six backpacks, three rolling carry-ons, one large checked roller, one car seat and one umbrella stroller.
I started writing this several days ago, before the leak, before confirmation that our abortion rights are indeed going down the drain.
I’m rageful and heartbroken, but I don’t have a blog post for that, so I’m moving forward about my choppers.
Teeth. Can’t live without them. Or you can for awhile, just ask my dead grandfather.
My dentist has me coming in for a cleaning every three months in an attempt to keep me away from the periodontist.
I don’t know how the state of my mouth compares to other middle-aged people. It feels like it might be worse than average.
I made it through childhood without any cavities, just a massive amount of orthodontia and one oral cyst.
After college I hit the road and when I returned to the country I had cavities. I added a few more since then. My front tooth chipped and everyone offers to do something about it, but I’m not interested.
My main issue seems to be gum disease. I brush twice a day. I floss. I use mouthwash. I say a prayer to the tooth fairy.
My hygienist shakes her head,
“I don’t understand. You’re doing a good job keeping them clean.”
“Ank ooo.”
“Do you drink coffee?”
No one is coming for my coffee.
“Yes.” I say with a tone that implies this is the end of the conversation.
“How many cups?”
Does the number really make a difference to my teeth?
“Two or three.”
“Over the course of the day?”
“No, in the morning.”
“You might want to try an electric toothbrush.”
I might. I might not. Captain hears the same thing. We get ourselves electric toothbrushes for Christmas.
Among the electric toothbrush’s many capabilities, it times how long you brush for. The gold standard being two minutes.
So here I am, almost 40 years old and if you had asked me six months ago if I brushed for two minutes, I would’ve said.
“Probably.”
I used my electric toothbrush for the first time and it is now safe to say I have NEVER brushed for two minutes until this past December.
Two minutes is a LONG time.
I have time to contemplate my whole life and that only takes the first minute.
The other thing my electric toothbrush has going for her, is that she has a wide range of emotions.
She smiles at me when I turn her on. She frowns if I turn her off before a minute. She gives my a half-hearted smile if I make it into the second minute. She smiles if I make it the full two minutes and if I consistently make it the full two minutes several days in a row, she gives me star eyes.
The pull of the star eyes is strong. I want my toothbrush’s approval. I want it so badly that when I’m sick of brushing and refuse to make it to the two minute mark, I’ll let her run on the side of the sink.
I’m not starting or ending my day on anything less than star eyes.
A couple months ago she prompted me to change the brush head.
That’s not a cheap proposition and she’s got a lot of nerve asking me to do it after 3 months of not brushing for two minutes.
She reminds me again. And again. She hasn’t reminded me in awhile. Maybe she’s given up.
I’m heading in for a cleaning next week. I’m sure they’ll have something to say about a tooth I broke a couple months ago. It’s not painful, so it didn’t feel urgent. I hope my dentist agrees. Or at least takes into consideration how happy my toothbrush is with me.
This is how she feels about plaque and our beleaguered abortion rights.
I’m enjoying our new Market Basket. If you don’t have one in your town, you could consider driving to ours. That seems to be what everyone else is doing.
I have never given my grocery-shopping strategy so much thought. I’ve never even used the words “grocery-shopping strategy” before.
The left side of the store has produce, bread, frozen foods. The right side of the store has all the refrigerated items: milk, butter, eggs, yogurt, smoked herring, hot dogs. The necessities.
So from a stacking-the-cart strategy, it would make sense to start on the right with the gallons of milk and end with the produce and bread. Although good luck with the eggs.
But there’s no moving quick in that store, so that would mean by the time I got home, my milk would be on its way to room temperature.
Starting from the left keeps the milk cold, but then I’m left rearranging the bread the whole time so it doesn’t get crushed. It can’t go in the baby seat because RB is taking up prime shopping-cart real estate.
And starting on the left means circling back for ice cream. I guess I could circle back for bread and ice cream.
The store seems designed to make people start from both sides. Is that better for traffic flow? I can’t tell. It’s constant dodge-a-cart out there.
It doesn’t help that RB’s new favorite question is,
“What are you doing?”
We’re in the car. She asks,
“What are you doing?”
“I’m driving to the grocery store.”
Two seconds later,
“What are you doing?”
“I’m driving.”
Two seconds later,
“What are you doing?”
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?”
“I’m right here.”
Great. So you can imagine how helpful this line of questioning is in the store. I turn down the bread aisle,
“What are you doing?”
“Getting bread.” I get the bread.
“What are you doing?”
“Putting the bread in the cart.”
Bread falls over, risking being crushed by the frozen pizza. I try to rearrange,
“Why are you doing that?”
I don’t know. I just don’t know. Is there a better way? Please feel free to tell me your Market Basket strategies.
I head for the number one check-out lane. It is a phenomenal lane. It’s open on one side so there’s no risk of RB grabbing several candy bars and a People magazine while she’s waiting.
The new brand of beef jerky I’ve been enjoying for the last few weeks slides down the conveyor belt. The bagger asks,
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“I don’t have any dogs. I thought those were for people.”
It’s one of those brief moments that lasts forever and I’m able to question all my life choices:
‘The beef jerky is organic, so I had assumed that that puts it in the realm of people food, but in retrospect I’m sure there’s a big market for organic dog food.’
‘I’ve eaten dog and dog food before, so not the end of the world.’
‘The smell DID remind me of dog treats.’
‘But they were in the people-food aisle, not the dog-food aisle.’
I smile at the bagger and remark,
“Well either way, they’re delicious!”
Having reconvinced myself that they’re people food, I march myself home and relay the story to Captain,
Good Times with Jess 