It started the way some three-way relationships must: Captain felt strongly in favor and I didn’t feel AS strongly NOT in favor.

Four years ago I wracked my brain for a good Hanukkah/Christmas gift for Captain. He’s into “smart” home features: lights, cameras, air quality controls. Things that all have a mind of their own.

He’d been wanting an Alexa. Kept talking about it. I kept saying,

“NO.”

Why would I voluntarily put something in the heart of our home that was listening to everything?

But then I reasoned, theoretically my phone can already do that. So I surprised Captain with an Amazon Echo.

As it turns out, it was really a gift to our small children who could now play fart sounds on request. Especially after they purchased the fart extension pack.

I’m still not sure I’ve turned off voice purchasing. Surprise surprise, the security settings are difficult to navigate. And some settings are on track to disappear altogether.

This email came over a week ago:

“We are reaching out to let you know that the Alexa feature ‘Do Not Send Voice Recordings’ that you enabled on your supported Echo device(s) will no longer be available beginning March 28th, 2025.”

Bozos wants our voice recordings and will take them.

As with most of the bad news these days, it doesn’t surprise me and I let it go. I’m trying to maintain some level of a peaceful life without being in a constant rage about current events.

The idea of saying goodbye to Alexa crosses my mind, but not only is she in our living room, she’s in our library and our bedroom too. Unless I’m willing to throttle Captain’s dreams for a “smart” home, I figure she’s here to stay.

As we’re snuggled in bed he asks,

“Did you see the email about Alexa?”

“YES. What are we going to do?”

“I unplugged the library and bedroom one.”

“OH! GOOD!!!”

And now all that’s left is to unplug the one in the living room… The one who so willingly plays Taylor Swift ALL DAY LONG.

Out of the blue, RB turned to me and in a tone of voice that melted my heart, she sighed,

“Mommy? I love you.”

“I love you too my sweet baby!”

The warm, fuzzy feeling didn’t last long.

RB returned to the living room and resumed yelling at Alexa to play Taylor Swift. When RB finally managed to get the song she wanted, she said in the same adoring voice she had just used with me,

“Alexa? I love you.”

“That’s nice of you to say.”

The super special feeling RB’s ‘I love you’ gave me a minute ago fizzled out.

Here I am, doing all the things, but I would be just as loved if I sat on a shelf, played Taylor Swift and farted.

So we can discuss the pros and cons of a smart speaker until it’s tired of listening to us, but the younger half of my household is still in love.

We’re waiting for the new gen Apple homepod. Because we might as well spread our voice recordings around to all the billionaires? I have no idea what the answer is.

Yes we could go back to turning on the lights ourselves and making our own fart noises. Sounds archaic.

Smart cameras keep your eyes open, April 1st is almost upon us.