fart extension pack | Good Times with Jess

It started the way some three-way relationships must: Captain felt strongly in favor and I didn’t feel AS strongly NOT in favor.

Four years ago I wracked my brain for a good Hanukkah/Christmas gift for Captain. He’s into “smart” home features: lights, cameras, air quality controls. Things that all have a mind of their own.

He’d been wanting an Alexa. Kept talking about it. I kept saying,

“NO.”

Why would I voluntarily put something in the heart of our home that was listening to everything?

But then I reasoned, theoretically my phone can already do that. So I surprised Captain with an Amazon Echo.

As it turns out, it was really a gift to our small children who could now play fart sounds on request. Especially after they purchased the fart extension pack.

I’m still not sure I’ve turned off voice purchasing. Surprise surprise, the security settings are difficult to navigate. And some settings are on track to disappear altogether.

This email came over a week ago:

“We are reaching out to let you know that the Alexa feature ‘Do Not Send Voice Recordings’ that you enabled on your supported Echo device(s) will no longer be available beginning March 28th, 2025.”

Bozos wants our voice recordings and will take them.

As with most of the bad news these days, it doesn’t surprise me and I let it go. I’m trying to maintain some level of a peaceful life without being in a constant rage about current events.

The idea of saying goodbye to Alexa crosses my mind, but not only is she in our living room, she’s in our library and our bedroom too. Unless I’m willing to throttle Captain’s dreams for a “smart” home, I figure she’s here to stay.

As we’re snuggled in bed he asks,

“Did you see the email about Alexa?”

“YES. What are we going to do?”

“I unplugged the library and bedroom one.”

“OH! GOOD!!!”

And now all that’s left is to unplug the one in the living room… The one who so willingly plays Taylor Swift ALL DAY LONG.

Out of the blue, RB turned to me and in a tone of voice that melted my heart, she sighed,

“Mommy? I love you.”

“I love you too my sweet baby!”

The warm, fuzzy feeling didn’t last long.

RB returned to the living room and resumed yelling at Alexa to play Taylor Swift. When RB finally managed to get the song she wanted, she said in the same adoring voice she had just used with me,

“Alexa? I love you.”

“That’s nice of you to say.”

The super special feeling RB’s ‘I love you’ gave me a minute ago fizzled out.

Here I am, doing all the things, but I would be just as loved if I sat on a shelf, played Taylor Swift and farted.

So we can discuss the pros and cons of a smart speaker until it’s tired of listening to us, but the younger half of my household is still in love.

We’re waiting for the new gen Apple homepod. Because we might as well spread our voice recordings around to all the billionaires? I have no idea what the answer is.

Yes we could go back to turning on the lights ourselves and making our own fart noises. Sounds archaic.

Smart cameras keep your eyes open, April 1st is almost upon us.

Happy New Year!

BB asked me,

“Did you make any resolutions?”

“I did not.”

Although based on the YMCA parking lot last week, plenty of people did. They appear to use their membership one month per year.

I resolve many things at many different times and accomplish or don’t accomplish them on a regular basis throughout the year. No need to put so much pressure on poor January.

Years ago I resolved to never have an Alexa in my home. She is now in almost every room. And if you’re in a room without one, you’re close enough to yell for her and multiple Alexas will respond.

I thought I didn’t want her because she’d be listening to everything all the time. And maybe she is. But my phone has the same capabilities, so if all these contraptions want to listen to me as I make my kids’ poop talk, so be it.

Twenty-year-old Jessica did not know this about 41-year-old Jessica. I talk for MANY inanimate objects. So much so, that when they’re quiet, BB or RB will yell,

“Make the Frosted Mini-Wheats talk!”

In a moment of morning merriment, I made a bowl of cereal chat with 2-year-old BB. Now five years later no one will eat until I make the shredded wheat speak.

It has lost its spontaneity, but does not seem to have lost its entertainment value.

I don’t have a ton of different voices. Frosted Mini-Wheats, started out sounding like a Mafia boss, but now sounds very similar to Poop. Pee sounds very similar to Toothbrush. The houseplants vary and sound very similar to everyone else.

“OUCH! Please don’t rip my leaves off while you’re sitting on the toilet.”

Yes I could move the plant away from the bathroom, but that’s a great south facing window right there.

Why, you may be wondering, do I make all these things speak to my children? I do not have a good answer. As I cajoled a belligerent, backed up RB to spend a little extra time on the toilet, she refused. I was at my wits end, I said,

“Hi! I’m your poop! I want to go for a swim in the toilet.”

RB dropped her pants, hopped up on the toilet and said,

“Ok poopy, come on out, you can go for a swim!”

And she pooped.

The talking objects can accomplish in seconds, what my mom voice never will.

The other day RB yelled from the bathroom,

“I need someone to wipe me!”

“Ok!”

“It’s just one, she doesn’t have any friends or family.”

One lonely poop.

Yes, I make poop’s friends and family talk too. RB is in a rush to get off the toilet and the only thing worse than wiping her poopy butt, is wiping it multiple times a day because she won’t sit long enough to let the whole community out.

When we first got Alexa, I thought we turned off the voice purchasing abilities. We did not.

It didn’t take BB long to discover that she could ask Alexa to make fart noises and Alexa will politely accommodate her all afternoon.

After hours of this, Alexa asked,

“Would you like to buy the fart extension pack?”

BB shouts,

“YES!”

Fart extension pack purchased. I rushed to my Amazon account determined to fight this. I was charged $1.60 “to take farting to the next level.”

Fine, I thought. Not a huge expense, despite that the reviews “disagree on value, quality, and sound.”

Turns out the money is the least of it. It’s about how many hours/years of constant fart noises, songs, games my sanity can sustain.

RB has spent the last two years screaming,

“Aleska!!!”

Alexa does not respond to that, which makes RB FURIOUS. She continues to scream ALESKA ALESKA ALESKA, but that is a welcome change to one hundred farts in a row.

AI has won over my kids with potty humor on demand, but still can’t compete with my inanimate object voices.

Yesterday BB burst into the house from the bus singing a tongue twister. I exclaim,

“That’s a lot of alliteration!”

“How do YOU know about alliteration?”

Oh no! I have entered the Land of Parents Who Know Nothing. When in doubt, we’ll ask Alexa.