First of all, to the guy across from me on the T, who scratched his crotch for half-an-hour, you should get that checked out.

Next, the other night at the bar, a regular who recently had some luck on Match.com, comes in. I ask him,

“Are you still in love?”

“Yes, but I have some concerns.”

“Oh?”

“She said she’s only a third in love with me.”

“That’s better than nothing.”

“She has another ‘object of interest,’ those are her words not mine. She says the relationship is in it’s hospice phase.”

“That’s vivid.”

“She doesn’t like to talk. I don’t know what to do.”

“Why?”

“Listening to women is one of my main seduction techniques.”