I like my job. Most of the time. For the first 11 months I thought I’d made a mistake.
Before Baby Bop was born I wanted to stay home with her. Then around the 5 month mark I was so exhausted, delirious, and not sure how to solve it, that I declared,
“Maybe I’d be better off working.”
I don’t know how that was going to get me more sleep, but I’d long lost touch with the rational part of my brain.
Several months into my sleep deprived fog, I tell my therapist,
“I thought I’d like this more.”
“How many times do you get woken up a night?”
“Three to four.”
“When’s the last time you had a full night’s sleep?”
“Before Baby Bop was born.”
“So that’s really hard.”
We chat some more. She asks,
“You love your husband right?”
“Do you want to spend 24/7 with him?”
“So then why would you want to spend 24/7 with Baby Bop?”
“You’re right. I don’t.”
I felt better having figured that out, but spending all night with Baby Bop wasn’t changing until we moved.
Now all of sudden with nighttime and naps, she’s sleeping 15 hours a day without me. And while I have to stay close enough to keep the video monitor in range, I’ve got a good 700 foot radius of freedom.
Not only does the 700 feet of space make me like my job, I like Baby Bop more. I just miss adult conversations. There’s only so many times I can talk about piggy toes before I wonder if I’m losing my mind. And piggy toes are the one body part Baby Bop can identify, so they must be a frequent topic of conversation.
In Boston, when I went out in public, I avoided eye contact and hoped no one talked to me. I had zero energy for random people. Now going to the grocery store is a social event. Old ladies are a big fan of Baby Bop and we like some of them.
For the first time I feel strong waves of nostalgia. Remember when she was so small? Remember when she screamed all the time? Ah.
My nostalgia is a luxury of being well-rested. When I was in my sleep-deprived stupor, people said,
“Cherish the cuddles, it goes by so fast!”
Screw you. You come cherish the cuddles at 3am and I’ll get some sleep.
A daytime cuddle is where it’s at.