I stole Captain’s car.

You know I’m committed to this holiday when I set my alarm for 5:00am April 1st to achieve my dreams.

Several months ago some cars in our area were stolen from driveways. Captain, who had been meaning to install an outdoor camera security system, went all in.

Except, as with many projects, it’s not quite finished. The driveway camera is up and running. It’s recording and notifying Captain the minute anyone makes any movement in the driveway.

Daily notifications of children getting their bikes out of the garage are high priority.

Another camera is not plugged in yet. Something about running the wiring through the attic. If you want a timeline on when that’ll get done, it’s anyone’s guess, but if it’s still not done next year, then the world is my oyster.

With one camera out of service, I was able to sneak out of the house undetected.

At 5:00am I slipped on black sweatpants, black combat boots, Captain’s long black shirt OVER my fleece. I thought it made me look a little beefy, offset with my slender, black leather gloves. I sealed the deal with a black face sock.

I clutched Captain’s long black crowbar and headed out the surveillanceless exit. I made a bee line for the back of our property. I jumped a mile as every motion detector light went off. They terrified me, but not the deer Captain was hoping to deter.

I escaped out the back corner of the yard. I felt scary and was also concerned that if anyone saw me, I looked like real trouble.

I reentered our yard from the street, came down the driveway. I had rehearsed a charade in my head of what I would do. I got under the car in the back and banged my crowbar around on the ground.

The security camera records sound. As I lay on the ground under the car. I stared up at the spare tire and thought to myself,

“What would a car thief be doing here under the spare tire?” Proof I came up with this charade without googling: ‘how to steal a car.’

Although I did google: “tools to steal a car.” My trusted crowbar was not listed, but I decided that between the crowbar and the key fob, it would be a good combo.

I moved to the driver door and pretended to use my crowbar. I successfully “broke” in.

I tried to embody my best car-thief self, I resisted the ingrained habit of buckling. I’d like to say I peeled out of the driveway.

I did not. I sat there for awhile and wondered how long a car thief would wait for the windshield to defrost.

I decided not long. So because I couldn’t really see and it wasn’t my car with all its battle scars, I made a slow cautious exit, squeaking by our trash bins.

I was about to come to a full stop at the stop sign, but I saw our neighbor pulling out. I didn’t want to scare the bejeezus out of them with my black sock covered head, I turned and headed around the block.

I buckled. I don’t care how hardcore a car thief you are, who wants to listen to that beeping?

I parked down the street from our house and headed back inside.

It was such a relief to be back in my jammies, on the couch with my coffee. I’m really not cut out for car thievery.

I checked the driveway footage. There I was! Around 7am Captain headed for the shower, I glanced at his phone. The security notification was there! Movement in the driveway detected and recorded.

I paced the kitchen and tried not to act like I just stole a car.

Captain came out for breakfast, drank his coffee, perused his phone. NOTHING.

I walked BB part of the way to the bus stop. I saw her look down the street. At which point I thought she was going to shout and ask what Dad’s car was doing in the street. She didn’t.

That was a relief. Later I asked BB if she noticed Captain’s car. She said she thought it was her grandparents’ car. Which it was, but also all the more reason to ask about it. Seven-year-old brains are mysterious things.

I came back in the house and took the risk of yelling to Captain in the other room,

“Hey! Where did you put your car?”

He looked out the window and said,

“Nice try, April Fools.”

I have never been more crushed in my life. But I wasn’t convinced the jig was up.

I had been counting on Captain being oblivious to the date, but I’ve fooled him almost every year, so for once he was trying to be ready.

He started looking out all the windows of the house for his car. I asked,

“Did you check the driveway video footage?”

“No. Should I?”

“Well I don’t know anything about your car, so we should check it.”

He reviews the video, zooms in on the masked robber and screeches,

“WHO IS THAT?!?!?!”

I inspect myself. I note the time stamp,

“5:30am! I don’t know! You know I don’t get up until 6am.”

“I need to call the police. Should I call the police?”

“YES! Not 911, just the regular number.”

“The regular number?”

“Yeah, google it.”

His hands are shaking, he keeps muttering,

“Who was that?! I can’t believe this. I can’t believe this.”

As he’s about to press send on the call to the police, I pop out with the black mask on my face.

April Fools victory is sweet.