Best sailing sisters ever?

Posted on July 23, 2024 by Good Times with Jess

What a week! We sailed, we ate, we swam and when the kids weren’t fighting they had an amazing time too.

Areas of disagreement for BB and RB include but are not limited to:

She looked at me.
She touched me.
I want quiet.
That’s mine.
How come she gets…?
She had two lollipops today and I only had one.
She’s taking my fries.
She’s taking my drink.
She’s following me.
She won’t play with me.
Why won’t she play with me?
She won’t leave me alone.
I love my sister so much I’m going to smother her in hugs and kisses until I really piss her off.
I want to grab the rope!
I WANT TO GO FIRST.
IT’S MY TURN TO GO FIRST.
We both despise sunscreen application, but I might die if I DON’T GO FIRST.

Nothing beats waking up and going to sleep on the water. There were many moments of the trip when I could envision living on a boat again. Maybe when our children don’t rely on us for housing.

Expectations are slippery things. Before the trip, the general consensus was that if we all managed to sail for a week last year and now everyone is a year older, then we’re all set for this year.

I agree that at 42, still clinging to my early forties, I’m in a very similar sailing condition to last year. I’ve stopped saying Captain is 49 and started saying he is almost 50. Aside from his vague expressions of alarm about that, his sailing condition is also the same as last year.

BB, now eight, is ever more independent and capable. Four-year-old RB is convinced she is just as capable as BB and in many ways she is.

The main difference I see from last year to this year is that last year RB took a reliable two to three hour afternoon nap and this year she didn’t. That’s two to three MORE hours that BB and RB got to spend with each other in an enclosed space. I should consider myself lucky that no one started throwing poop at each other like monkeys in captivity.

And there was poop to be thrown. RB was very willing to pee in the boat toilet, but by day three it was apparent she was refusing to poop.

In my best poop voice, I warned her that I wanted to come out and would come out no matter what at some point. I’ll make anything talk if it means furthering the cause.

RB wasn’t hearing it. On day four it came out in her bathing suit and I dumped it overboard. If you saw a large floater on your way to Martha’s Vineyard last week, you’re welcome.

RB then decided it was okay to put the rest of her poop in the toilet and was rewarded with a lollipop. Don’t worry, BB got one too.

RB does not allow anyone to help her with anything, like climbing in and out of the dinghy, If you do, she yells,

“I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT!”

She is also convinced she can paddle board. BB actually can. She did really well this year. RB struggled but persisted despite the paddle being twice as big as her.

One night, at a large restaurant on the harbor, BB was complaining,

“I really want a lemon.”

“You can go up to the bar and ask for one.”

BB shook her head. RB perked up and said,

“You can ask the bar for a lemon?”

“Yes.”

“Do they have cherries?”

“Yes.”

Without further ado, RB was out of her seat and marched herself toward the bar which was way over her head. She walked right past it.

I stayed at our table and kept an eye on her. She headed for the front of the restaurant. She was somehow directed to the general manager. I saw their heads bend together. He disappeared. He returned with a brand-new jar of cherries and scooped a bunch into a cup for her. She returned triumphant.

BB, not to be outdone, headed to the bar. She no longer had any interest in a lemon and asked for a cup of cherries.

This was in addition to the cherries on our nightly ice cream sundaes. I am never so well fed as the week we spend sailing.

Sibling rivalry aside, it was an incredible trip and I’m the first one to blog about it, so there.

Who doesn’t take their pet ox to the beach?

Captain’s cleanse aka his colonoscopy, my middle-age acne and a town hemorrhaging teachers

Posted on May 29, 2024 by Good Times with Jess

It’s that time of year when I’m assessing all of my life choices.

Our town override vote failed by a significant amount and now our schools are losing SO MANY teachers. When we bought our house, I was not paying attention. If a town leans right, it’s bad news bears.

My 42nd birthday is approaching and I have a bottle of blood pressure medication on my counter that promises to cure my middle-age acne, while also giving me numerous other side effects considering I don’t have high blood pressure.

Captain’s 50th birthday is approaching which really makes me feel very good about 42. Also he’s overdue for his colonoscopy since they moved the marker on him and now you’re supposed to start getting them when you’re 45.

RB and I headed to Target to pick up Captain’s Miralax and all that fun stuff.

I would’ve been going on my own, but the day before, RB came home from school, sat down in the living room and wouldn’t get up. Several hours of sleep later she asked me,

“Can you carry me to the art room?”

“Why?”

“I want to be with BB.”

“Go ahead.”

“I can’t walk.”

“You can’t walk?!”

“My knees hurt.”

“Both knees?”

“Yes.”

“Did you fall and get hurt today?”

“No.”

An hour later we were supposed to be headed to a fun event at her preschool. Captain and I stood before a seated RB. I told her,

“I don’t think we can go to the art show.”

“I want to go!”

“Then I need you to walk.”

“You can carry me.”

I stood her up. She screamed like I was trying to kill her. I put her down. I called the doctor’s office. The nurse said,

“Bring her in.” She also asked,

“Does her throat hurt?”

“RB does your throat hurt?”

“No.”

At 6pm we headed for the doctor. My 7:30pm book club plans were vaporizing before my very eyes. I was envisioning a night at the hospital with a child who could no longer walk.

The doctor came right in. She asked a minimal number of questions, shined her light in RB’s throat, took a swab and said,

“Looks like strep, we’ll know in a minute.”

STREP?! She can’t walk and she said her throat doesn’t hurt. The doctor said,

“Have a look.”

I peered down RB’s throat. Yup. Sure looked like it hurt.

I explained my confusion to the doctor. She said,

“Sometimes kids don’t even know what their throat is.”

Great point.

The rapid test came back fast. Positive!

I have never been happier to get a positive strep test. My imaginary night at the hospital was no more. One stop for antibiotics and off to book club I went!

So that’s why the next day I had RB’s company to collect colonoscopy supplies.

On the drive to Target RB asked,

“Is Dad sick?”

“No not at all.”

“Then why does Dad need medicine?”

“For his colonoscopy. He needs medicine to get all the poop out of his intestines so the doctor can go in his butt and look around.”

“She’s going to fit inside Dad’s butt?!”

“I mean she’s going to look inside Dad’s intestines with a stick.”

“The doctor is using outside things inside Dad?!!”

WOW I’m really butchering this conversation.

“No no no. I’m sorry. The doctor is using a special doctor tool to see inside of Dad and make sure he’s healthy.”

“Oooh. I don’t need medicine to poop.”

“Right!” And I don’t either.

When my doctor offered the oral, blood-pressure medicine he said,

“It’s hard to put topicals all over your back.”

Well it’s great for my shoulder mobility and I’ll happily do that instead of taking my chances with the thirty-seven side effects.

My acne is now under control; I have three more colonoscopy-free years and I don’t know what will happen to our schools. Please send help.

April Fools!

Posted on April 3, 2024 by Good Times with Jess

I stole Captain’s car.

You know I’m committed to this holiday when I set my alarm for 5:00am April 1st to achieve my dreams.

Several months ago some cars in our area were stolen from driveways. Captain, who had been meaning to install an outdoor camera security system, went all in.

Except, as with many projects, it’s not quite finished. The driveway camera is up and running. It’s recording and notifying Captain the minute anyone makes any movement in the driveway.

Daily notifications of children getting their bikes out of the garage are high priority.

Another camera is not plugged in yet. Something about running the wiring through the attic. If you want a timeline on when that’ll get done, it’s anyone’s guess, but if it’s still not done next year, then the world is my oyster.

With one camera out of service, I was able to sneak out of the house undetected.

At 5:00am I slipped on black sweatpants, black combat boots, Captain’s long black shirt OVER my fleece. I thought it made me look a little beefy, offset with my slender, black leather gloves. I sealed the deal with a black face sock.

I clutched Captain’s long black crowbar and headed out the surveillanceless exit. I made a bee line for the back of our property. I jumped a mile as every motion detector light went off. They terrified me, but not the deer Captain was hoping to deter.

I escaped out the back corner of the yard. I felt scary and was also concerned that if anyone saw me, I looked like real trouble.

I reentered our yard from the street, came down the driveway. I had rehearsed a charade in my head of what I would do. I got under the car in the back and banged my crowbar around on the ground.

The security camera records sound. As I lay on the ground under the car. I stared up at the spare tire and thought to myself,

“What would a car thief be doing here under the spare tire?” Proof I came up with this charade without googling: ‘how to steal a car.’

Although I did google: “tools to steal a car.” My trusted crowbar was not listed, but I decided that between the crowbar and the key fob, it would be a good combo.

I moved to the driver door and pretended to use my crowbar. I successfully “broke” in.

I tried to embody my best car-thief self, I resisted the ingrained habit of buckling. I’d like to say I peeled out of the driveway.

I did not. I sat there for awhile and wondered how long a car thief would wait for the windshield to defrost.

I decided not long. So because I couldn’t really see and it wasn’t my car with all its battle scars, I made a slow cautious exit, squeaking by our trash bins.

I was about to come to a full stop at the stop sign, but I saw our neighbor pulling out. I didn’t want to scare the bejeezus out of them with my black sock covered head, I turned and headed around the block.

I buckled. I don’t care how hardcore a car thief you are, who wants to listen to that beeping?

I parked down the street from our house and headed back inside.

It was such a relief to be back in my jammies, on the couch with my coffee. I’m really not cut out for car thievery.

I checked the driveway footage. There I was! Around 7am Captain headed for the shower, I glanced at his phone. The security notification was there! Movement in the driveway detected and recorded.

I paced the kitchen and tried not to act like I just stole a car.

Captain came out for breakfast, drank his coffee, perused his phone. NOTHING.

I walked BB part of the way to the bus stop. I saw her look down the street. At which point I thought she was going to shout and ask what Dad’s car was doing in the street. She didn’t.

That was a relief. Later I asked BB if she noticed Captain’s car. She said she thought it was her grandparents’ car. Which it was, but also all the more reason to ask about it. Seven-year-old brains are mysterious things.

I came back in the house and took the risk of yelling to Captain in the other room,

“Hey! Where did you put your car?”

He looked out the window and said,

“Nice try, April Fools.”

I have never been more crushed in my life. But I wasn’t convinced the jig was up.

I had been counting on Captain being oblivious to the date, but I’ve fooled him almost every year, so for once he was trying to be ready.

He started looking out all the windows of the house for his car. I asked,

“Did you check the driveway video footage?”

“No. Should I?”

“Well I don’t know anything about your car, so we should check it.”

He reviews the video, zooms in on the masked robber and screeches,

“WHO IS THAT?!?!?!”