menorah | Good Times with Jess

That’s a wrap on Hanukkah. RB is more confused than ever and still hoping for candy eggs.

After dinner she ran into the library, where all the Hanukkah presents used to be. It’s the room that has room for everything. Move over exercise bike, giant stuffed dreidel coming through.

RB shouted. She shouts everything. Someone said they have never met a louder 4-year-old. I’m not sure what to do with that information. RB runs back into the kitchen and yells at me,

“Hanukkah present time!!! WHERE ARE THE PRESENTS?”

“Hanukkah is over.”

“HANUKKAH IS OVER? NO MORE PRESENTS?!”

I almost wish I could say no. Instead I say,

“There will be more for Christmas.”

RB runs back into the library, runs back into the kitchen. Yells at me again,

“There are NO Christmas presents.”

“No. It’s not Christmas yet and the Christmas presents will be under the tree.”

As we sit down for dinner RB sighs,

“I love Passover.”

Right. Talk to me in four months.

Then the other day we were headed out for a Hanukkah party. RB jumps with joy,

“I’m so excited for my birthday!”

Which was in October.

RB heads off to her swim lesson with a present for her coach in hand. She tells me,

“I’m going to say ‘Happy Hanukkah!'”

“I don’t think she celebrates Hanukkah.”

“I should say ‘Happy Hanukkah’ because she hasn’t had it.”

Ok.

We have an impressive amount of Hanukkah clothing, thanks Target: Sparkly blue menorah dresses, sequin dreidel sweaters, menorah shoes, dinosaur star of David leggings and menorah underwear.

I try to stay out of the morning clothing selection, any input is ripe for conflict, but RB is relentless in her bugging for help.

“WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?!”

“How about a Hanukkah dress?”

“Ok.”

She comes down in a sparkly red sweater dress. It looks great. She asks,

“Is this a Hanukkah dress?”

“More of a Christmas dress.”

“IT’S A HANUKKAH DRESS!”

Ok! PLEASE STOP YELLING about EVERYTHING.

A day ago I was notified that a yankee swap for the kids was added to a Christmas party this Friday. I wrack my brain and my timeline. I have one brilliant idea. It will not arrive in time from Amazon.

I scour the internet. It’s available at ACE Hardware! It is not an item I would EVER think of going to ACE Hardware for. I order it ASAP for pickup.

I walk into the store. I wait in line surrounded by ACE Hardware clientele. One guy offers me his spot in line. Under normal circumstances I’d decline, but this is a crazy time of year and I’ll save 3 minutes wherever I can.

I approach the counter. The cashier stares at me,

“Hi, I’m picking up.”

He continues to stare.

“Jessica Curtis.”

Still staring.

“C-U-R-“

“What is it?”

“What?”

“What are you picking up?”

I have picked up many things at many stores and I can’t remember a single time when I’ve been asked to declare in front of everyone what I bought. I tell the Hardware associate,

“Twerking Santa.”

I walk out the door to the tune of some Christmas song and Santa vibrating his tuchus.

All of this just to get him home, put him on the counter and realize his twerking is not good.

I intend on exchanging him, but the reason ACE Hardware has a supply of twerking Santas this late in the season is because none of them actually twerk. Their butts just vibrate.

I update Captain, planning to come home and see if there are any books related to poop or farts or the bathroom in any way.

Out of character for Captain, he has become invested in this. When I’m almost home, he calls me back,

“Go to Home Depot! They have a sloth!”

Sloths are the IT animal in our house right now.

“A twerking sloth?!”

“I don’t think so.”

It is not a twerking sloth, but it does have a Santa hat on and dances to MC Hammer. It is now on my dresser awaiting its fate at the yankee swap.

Bottom line is it’s a celebrating time of year and the more holidays the better. If anyone celebrates Kwanzaa, I’m all ears.

My understated take on Hanukkah, a minor Jewish holiday

Dances faster than one would expect for a sloth

When we moved to the burbs 6.5 years ago, the only Hanukkah decor I had was our actual menorah. We now own eight menorahs. Some are homemade and potentially flammable.

I added a bin of decor per year. There are seven bins. I will not be needing an additional bin this year, but it wasn’t a buy-nothing season either, despite Hanukkah being moments after Thanksgiving.

As you may know from previous posts, I adore Home Goods’ ability to have the most random, how-did-I-live-without-these, Hanukkah items. I walked in last week just to check and walked out with the most bejeweled, bedazzled, menorah wall-hanging I’ve ever seen.

Considering how sparkly and shiny everyone and everything is right now, this menorah is on trend. And if someone knows where to buy a faux-fur menorah, I’m sure I can find a spot for it.

The kids are ready. RB keeps shouting,

“I’m so excited for Hanukkah and candy eggs!”

“Candy eggs?!”

“Yeah. That bunny holiday!”

Hmmm.

RB has her priorities: candy.

The other day RB peered into her pumpkin bucket in despair. A few starbursts were scattered at the bottom. Then RB got a glimpse of BB’s halloween bucket still brimming with candy.

RB howls,

“It’s NOT FAIR!”

On October 31st, both buckets were equally full.

Every time RB sat down with her bucket, she made it her mission to unwrap and eat as many pieces of candy as possible. She eats candy in a way that’s very consistent with her personality: quick, efficient, and on to the next thing.

Every time BB sat down with her bucket, she picked up the same ring pop from the time before, sucked on it, day dreamed, sucked on it, day dreamed. Then she put her half-gone ring pop back in the wrapper to continue with another day.

She made zero progress consuming her candy bucket. This is very consistent with BB’s personality: no rush, no… rush…, really she has zero sense of urgency. Her candy bucket might still be around by the time we get to candy eggs.

This blog post has been open on my computer all week. I was chugging along, on track to finish it this morning and start Hanukkah tonight, but then everything came to a screeching halt. Yesterday around 4pm RB vomitted everywhere. She continued to vomit all night. Then she woke up in the morning and declared herself all better.

I am NOT all better. I’m sleep deprived, although still healthy. The question is for how long. Can I and the remaining members of my family stay healthy for 8 nights? Seems unlikely considering how much vomit I came in contact with. But it’s not called a Hanukkah miracle for nothing.

In between vomits yesterday I threw a blanket on the floor and put RB on top. She started to scream. Considering she had been maintaining her silent misery, I had no idea why she was screaming all of sudden. I cry,

“What is it?!”

She points her finger at the edge of the blanket on the floor. Half the tassels are out and half are in. RB is clenching her whole body and screams,

“THAT!”

I flick the edge of the blanket back and forth so all the tassels are going the same way. RB relaxes and goes silent.

I would’ve thought that being on a vomit spree would put one’s OCD on hold, but it seems to be the opposite. Uneven blanket tassels are UNBEARABLE. Remind me to never buy anything with tassels again.

RB’s attention to detail was strong all week, even before she got sick. BB likes the Hanukkah decorations and accepts however I put it out. RB has specific opinions about how it should look.

I have one Hanukkah house, waiting for me to start a Hanukkah village. In front of the Hanukkah house I put a dreidel person and a menorah person. The other day RB added a toothbrush person.

I didn’t think of the toothbrush person as someone celebrating Hanukkah, but we need all the support we can get.