And so we beach

It’s the final days of school and countdown to beach camp.

My two campers are ready. We’re stocked up on sunscreen, bathing suits and snacks. We’ve added a sloth float to our pile of beach gear because that’s both of my children’s favorite animal.

BB has long loved the sloth for whatever usual reasons people pick favorite animals. Then in the car the other day RB told me,

“The sloth is my favorite animal.”

“Really?? Since when?”

“Since it was BB’s favorite.”

Right.

In 2025 we’re headed to the Galapagos. This has been a bucket-list trip for me since elementary school when they showed us the underwater robots exploring there.

Fifteen years ago as I roamed around South America I counted my dollars. I could travel South America for four months or I could use the same money for one week in the Galapagos.

I chose four months, but held out hope that someday I’d be back. And as we continue to destroy our planet, it seems like the sooner the better for this trip.

It will be in honor of Captain and my ten-year-wedding anniversary. Yes we’re bringing the kids.

There are no sloths in the Galapagos, but there ARE sloths in the Ecuadorian rainforest. I hadn’t planned on going there in addition to the Galapagos, but considering we’ll only be a few hours away when we fly in to Quito I contemplated it. I asked our Ecuadorian travel agent. She told me,

“I’ve been working in tourism and visiting the rainforest for ten years. I have only ever seen a sloth in the wild once.”

Ok. Nix that. Maybe my children would like to consider blue footed boobies as their new favorite animal. I’m sure there’s a corresponding beach float.

RB has an extra week of school that BB doesn’t have. The same thing happened last year and I pulled RB out early to get to the beach. As much as I want to be in my lounge chair with a book, I’m having a hard time figuring out why I would miss out on several days of RB being in school.

Once BOTH kids are out of school, I’ll be in my lounge chair, with my book, counting the paragraphs before they start World War III.

No matter what we do, they will find something to fight about. But the total and complete hopelessness of it was brought home to me a couple weeks ago.

We were at a playground covered with standard-issue wood chips. Thousands and thousands of wood chips. Not as many as grains of sand on the beach, but close enough.

I was head down in my book. I heard some screeching. I kept my head down. The shouting escalated. I peered over the top of my book. Then a blood-curdling yell from one of my beloved children.

I called them over. BB thrust her hand at me. In her palm was one of the MANY wood chips. RB whined,

“BB won’t share her wood chip!”

I looked at BB. She shrugged.

I told RB,

“Go find another wood chip.”

“NOOOOOO I want THAT one.”

I asked BB,

“Can you share that wood chip?”

“But I’m the one who found the most perfect wood chip.”

Of course.

All BB would have to do is declare any other one of the thousands of wood chips “the most perfect wood chip” and RB would want that one. But how to telepathically relay this?

I tell them,

“You have one more chance to figure this out.”

You don’t need me to tell you they did NOT figure it out. I took the wood chip and put it in my pocket. They both lost their minds.

I told them,

“We can leave or you can go play.”

They went to play.

If you’re wondering what happened to “the most perfect wood chip” that everyone forgot about. It is well laundered and living its best life indistinguishable from all the other treasures in my yard.

Here’s to finding the most perfect grain of sand and keeping it all for myself.

I’m ready to beach. May the best person win.

Very Merry EVERYTHING and Twerking Santa

That’s a wrap on Hanukkah. RB is more confused than ever and still hoping for candy eggs.

After dinner she ran into the library, where all the Hanukkah presents used to be. It’s the room that has room for everything. Move over exercise bike, giant stuffed dreidel coming through.

RB shouted. She shouts everything. Someone said they have never met a louder 4-year-old. I’m not sure what to do with that information. RB runs back into the kitchen and yells at me,

“Hanukkah present time!!! WHERE ARE THE PRESENTS?”

“Hanukkah is over.”

“HANUKKAH IS OVER? NO MORE PRESENTS?!”

I almost wish I could say no. Instead I say,

“There will be more for Christmas.”

RB runs back into the library, runs back into the kitchen. Yells at me again,

“There are NO Christmas presents.”

“No. It’s not Christmas yet and the Christmas presents will be under the tree.”

As we sit down for dinner RB sighs,

“I love Passover.”

Right. Talk to me in four months.

Then the other day we were headed out for a Hanukkah party. RB jumps with joy,

“I’m so excited for my birthday!”

Which was in October.

RB heads off to her swim lesson with a present for her coach in hand. She tells me,

“I’m going to say ‘Happy Hanukkah!'”

“I don’t think she celebrates Hanukkah.”

“I should say ‘Happy Hanukkah’ because she hasn’t had it.”

Ok.

We have an impressive amount of Hanukkah clothing, thanks Target: Sparkly blue menorah dresses, sequin dreidel sweaters, menorah shoes, dinosaur star of David leggings and menorah underwear.

I try to stay out of the morning clothing selection, any input is ripe for conflict, but RB is relentless in her bugging for help.

“WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?!”

“How about a Hanukkah dress?”

“Ok.”

She comes down in a sparkly red sweater dress. It looks great. She asks,

“Is this a Hanukkah dress?”

“More of a Christmas dress.”

“IT’S A HANUKKAH DRESS!”

Ok! PLEASE STOP YELLING about EVERYTHING.

A day ago I was notified that a yankee swap for the kids was added to a Christmas party this Friday. I wrack my brain and my timeline. I have one brilliant idea. It will not arrive in time from Amazon.

I scour the internet. It’s available at ACE Hardware! It is not an item I would EVER think of going to ACE Hardware for. I order it ASAP for pickup.

I walk into the store. I wait in line surrounded by ACE Hardware clientele. One guy offers me his spot in line. Under normal circumstances I’d decline, but this is a crazy time of year and I’ll save 3 minutes wherever I can.

I approach the counter. The cashier stares at me,

“Hi, I’m picking up.”

He continues to stare.

“Jessica Curtis.”

Still staring.

“C-U-R-“

“What is it?”

“What?”

“What are you picking up?”

I have picked up many things at many stores and I can’t remember a single time when I’ve been asked to declare in front of everyone what I bought. I tell the Hardware associate,

“Twerking Santa.”

I walk out the door to the tune of some Christmas song and Santa vibrating his tuchus.

All of this just to get him home, put him on the counter and realize his twerking is not good.

I intend on exchanging him, but the reason ACE Hardware has a supply of twerking Santas this late in the season is because none of them actually twerk. Their butts just vibrate.

I update Captain, planning to come home and see if there are any books related to poop or farts or the bathroom in any way.

Out of character for Captain, he has become invested in this. When I’m almost home, he calls me back,

“Go to Home Depot! They have a sloth!”

Sloths are the IT animal in our house right now.

“A twerking sloth?!”

“I don’t think so.”

It is not a twerking sloth, but it does have a Santa hat on and dances to MC Hammer. It is now on my dresser awaiting its fate at the yankee swap.

Bottom line is it’s a celebrating time of year and the more holidays the better. If anyone celebrates Kwanzaa, I’m all ears.

My understated take on Hanukkah, a minor Jewish holiday
Dances faster than one would expect for a sloth