Race cars, porta potties and angry white people

This post is not about pregnancy, but I was there with my fetus.

My fetus is the ultimate tag along. Just when I think I’m going to have some alone time, I become desperate for the bathroom and realize that a 5 inch tall person is standing on my bladder.

The other night Fort Point had a second January neighborhood meeting. When a second monthly meeting is called for, that’s when you know people are angry. Really angry. The normal turnout is about 20 people. This meeting had at least 60 people and local television crews.

Boston is poised to host a three day indy car race, the Boston Grand Prix, this Labor Day weekend for the next 5 Labor Day weekends. The race will attract 200,000 fans. People are upset. Some of the concerns are reasonable:

“Where will all the porta potties be?”

Meaning, you better not put those porta potties under my condo window or I’m really going to freak out.

It’s a guarantee that people are going to be worked up. This is the same neighborhood that is worried about the increase in the flight pattern. Never mind that the airport was here first.

The cars are going to be loud, 110 decibels. The race organizers try to reassure the crowd,

“You will be able to purchase noise cancelling headphones and ear plugs.”

People are unimpressed. Captain whispers to me,

“That angry guy from the last meeting is behind us.”

I look back. I see a lot of angry guys.

One woman is frantic to speak. The neighborhood association leader hands her the microphone. She starts speaking everywhere but into the microphone. She’s waving it around like it’s a wand. No one can hear her, but she looks like she might cry. She says,

“At first I thought this was a one time event, but now I’m hearing that I’m condemned to endure this for the next five years maybe longer?”

The race organizer replies,

“I would argue that you’re not condemned.”

I would argue that these angry white people who can afford to live in Fort Point don’t usually stay in Boston for Labor Day weekend.

The almost crying lady continues,

“And what’s the carbon footprint? Have you considered using solar powered cars?”

Out of curiosity I did some solar powered car research. The fastest recorded speed of a solar powered car is 55MPH. While that’s 25MPH over the current speed limit of the roads the race is on, it’s 120MPH short of being exciting. And what does a pit stop consist of? All the cars sunbathing for the rest of the day?

Captain is waiting for news of his discounted ticket. Meanwhile they should set up the porta potties immediately. I could use a toilet for every block I walk.

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College/newborn baby, it’s party time!

My baby growing continues. 16 weeks. Yes, I’m counting the days.

Before I got knocked up, I thought pregnancy was counted in months. Now all I hear are weeks. 40 weeks. That’s a lot of weeks. I ask Captain,

“How are you feeling?”

“I feel like I’m getting ready to go to college.”

“College? Can I blog that?”

“Yeah. I know things are going to be really different, but I’m not sure exactly what it’s going to be like.”

“Except this is a little bit longer than a 4 year commitment.”

“Yeah.”

“And if you don’t like college you can always just quit, but we’re gonna be stuck with this kid forever.”

“Yeah.” Captain is looking worse. I tell him,

“I was really excited to leave home for college.” I was excited for freedom. Now I’m excited for a lifetime of responsibility. Or my best attempt at it.

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Senior year of high school wearing UMass hat, shirt, shorts, sweatshirt and socks. It’s getting exciting.

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The excitement has worn off.

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I graduated. Success.

 

Squatty potty did not pay me to write this, but any day now

Before I got knocked up, I’d heard of one pregnancy symptom: morning sickness. For thirty years I assumed morning sickness means you feel a little sick in the morning and then life goes on. Nope. I felt like I was going to die. I thought I might be sick for the rest of my life.

It turned out I was only sick for a few months, BUT it also turns out that there are a lot of random symptoms that seem totally unrelated to pregnancy, but persist nonetheless. What their biological advantage is, is a mystery.

My symptoms in no particular order:

  • Nausea
  • Exhaustion
  • A lot of mucus and boogers. So many boogers. I haven’t had this many boogers since I spent 12 hours on a dirt road in Africa with the windows open.
  • Bleeding gums. WHY?
  • Serious food aversions. I have gone from eating everything, EVERYTHING, to 3 or 4 different foods, if Cheerios and Honey Nut Cheerios count as two different foods.
  • And sometimes it’s hard to poop. Pooping used to be easy. I looked forward to my 20 minutes in the evening with the toilet and Consumer Reports magazine.

The real Jessica is gone and this new Jessica I’m dealing with is a tired, sick, boogery, picky eater, poop filled Jessica. I hear that five months from now I’ll forget that that Jessica ever existed and will be agreeable to getting knocked up again.

Last weekend, 15 weeks pregnant, I drag myself to the breakfast table. Captain is concerned. He asks,

“What’s wrong?”

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“Anything I can do?”

Just listen to me talk about my boogers again.

I’ve signed up for every pregnant mommy group nearby. What’s better than talking to Captain about my boogers and poop? Talking to lots of women about their boogers and poop.

One woman asks me,

“Have you tried the squatty potty?”

“The WHAT?”

“Squatty potty. It’s great. It helps open up your colon.”

My colon needs all the help it can get. I order the squatty potty.

All packages that arrive at our condo building are signed for by the concierge. He then notifies residents if you have a package. I receive a notification and go to claim my package:

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The return address on the mailing label is glaring at me. Really? Everyone needs to know that I ordered a toilet stool? Captain tries to reassure me,

“It could easily be for a small child.”

That we’re 3 years away from having.

But it works and I ordered another one despite the address label. This way I can pick my toilet based on the reading material I’ve left by each one as opposed to which one has the stool.

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Good Times with Jess is knocked up

I have bad news for you. Not only are you reading a mommy blog, but you’ve been reading a mommy blog for the last 3 months. They tell me a baby will come out of me July 10th.

My birthday is in July, so I told the fetus it better not steal my birthday. Don’t worry, it can hear already.

I asked my friend if my blog should change it’s name. She said,

“No, the mommy part is just a continuation of the good times, or end of.”

We’ve had a couple ultrasounds. It’s like a bad, black and white, silent movie. Captain and I stare at random objects on the screen, one of which the doctor tells us is a fetus. Captain declares,

“It looks like a blurry blob.”

“Yeah.”

Captain adds,

“It looks like me.”

Blurry Blob the Fetus looks like Captain. So be it. At some point we’ll have to think of another name, but Blurry Blob is good for now.

Will Blurry Blob need extensive therapy because I’m blogging about it? Maybe. I’ll let you know.

So if all goes well, Good Times with Jess has replaced babbling, thirsty bar regulars with one babbling, thirsty, tiny person. The mommy blog begins. You’re welcome.

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Pony, will you accept this rose?

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I have a terrible confession to make. I started watching The Bachelor. I have no reasonable explanation for this besides that Jon Stewart abandoned me and I’ve been floating between TV shows ever since. I enjoy a little Trevor Noah, a little Jimmy Fallon, a little Stephen Colbert and a little Ben Higgins.

I know the show is killing my brain cells, but so does wine and that doesn’t stop me. I couldn’t stand to watch the show before because in addition to destroying my brain, I was also envious. Not envious of the process, but envious of the supposed final product: True Love.

Now that I’m head over heels in love with Captain, the show is much more enjoyable. I am no longer watching it and wondering if I should be updating my Match.com profile or applying for the show. Although this season there was a pretty cute pony in the running. She’s got my vote for the next bachelorette.

Fort Point Grand Prix: here come the rednecks and the fancy coffee

I went to my second neighborhood association meeting for Fort Point the other night. People are not happy. There is going to be a Grand Prix race in our neighborhood Labor Day weekend for the next 5 Labor Day weekends. Captain is a little happy.

The problem is that the 3 day race will take place on the actual streets that we drive on everyday. Never mind that it will take months of construction to prepare for it and then take it apart. In exchange for the inconvenience, Captain wants a free pass.

I tell Captain,

“I’ll be getting out of Dodge.”

“Hopefully not in a Dodge.”

“Hopefully in a Toyota.”

That’s right, we’re car shopping. Zipcar I still love you.

The other item on the neighborhood meeting docket was a new coffee shop going in under our condo window. Captain is not thrilled. I’m thrilled. Under our window isn’t ideal, but the place looks like it’s going to be gorgeous.

There are going to be big windows, an outdoor patio, comfy chairs and two fireplaces. That’s two more fireplaces than our condo has now.

A woman tries to argue with the coffee shop man,

“There are already several coffee shops in the neighborhood including Dunkin Donuts, do you really think there’s a market for more coffee?”

I’d argue that there’s always a market for more coffee. Also, as much as I appreciate Dunkin Donuts, there are different types of coffee shops. Ones with fireplaces and ones without. Our neighborhood does not have any coffee shops with fireplaces.

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This guy needs to start his own Meetup group: Foreskin or against

I went to a Meetup group last night. I was hoping to make some like-minded friends or at least talk to someone besides my house plants.

I did talk to people. I’ll have to try again for the friend making part. I’ve met the group leader once before and she’s great. Everyone else was new to me.

In the middle of the discussion, the floor is opened for questions. The discussion has been very specific, so I’m hoping the questions will be specific. One guy shouts out,

“How do you feel about circumcision?

“That’s a very personal decision for every family.” And entirely off topic.

Not only does this guy continue to double down on circumcision, but he’s taking time away from the topic we all came to talk about. More on that another time. I promise. He continues,

“I’m circumcised.”

I do not care about the state of your foreskin. The moderator tries to be diplomatic,

“There are many arguments for and against. I recommend you doing research on your own time.”

“One argument I heard is that if you want your child to be intellectual you’ll circumcise them, or else their main focus in life will be masturbating.”

Well, the supposed intellectual-circumcised correlation is not working for this guy.

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